Tammy's thoughts

Massage Anyone?

2011-06-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

I've had many massages in the past but todays takes the cake for the most interesting one I've ever had. I love a good chinese massage. They seem to know right where to go to relieve tight muscles and put you in a relaxed state. Today however was far different!!

First it began with a male china man that doesn't speak a lick of English or at least as far as he makes me think. So as I lay there he works my back and shoulders over and I feel my body melting into the table, UNTIL, he begins working on my rear end. NOW, I'm just saying that one doesn't think much about having tension built up in their buns, but obviously my buns were very stressed because out of my hour massage my buns received 20 minutes of intense therapeutic massage. Needless to say the shoulders tensed right back up at this point.

What's a person to say......"Excuse me, I know you don't speak English and all...but last I checked my buns didn't have much muscle left to tense up." As I lay there flat on my stomach my mind began to wander..."oh my, he's not had me flip over yet, wow...wonder what's tense on my front side." By this time every muscle that he had previously worked tensed up (even the buns....which may require another 20 minutes to get back to their now obviously relaxed state). Much to my relief my front didn't receive the attention that the back side received.

All in all, I still love a good oriental massage but next time I'm thinking I'll choose one of the gals...but thinking that may be even weirder. Oh bother!!!

Consumed......

2011-03-12T17:34:00.000-08:00

Burn day comes but once a year at the Konneker house, but the anticipation of it looms in the air for weeks before the event. I guess you could say that between my dad, my father in law and myself we are consumed by the idea that we get to go play with fire once a year. I really think we should be hired as full time controlled burners....but I don't think they would pay someone so eager to do their job.

Burning off the old and watching the new life spring up afterwards gives such an excitement to spring. To see what was once dead and lifeless burnt away and within weeks new fresh green life come in its place just fills ones heart with such accomplishment. Isn't that so much of what our lives are like. Over the winter most of us become stale, stagnant and lifeless.....much like the bear hibernating for the winter. Spring comes and our lives all wake up like a flower pushing its way up from the dirt and breathing in the fresh air of spring....ready to tackle another year of rains, storms, drought and then winter once again, always braving the elements and always enduring through it all.

I wonder is our life as consuming as the fire? Do we fully understand the brevity of our lives? If we did understand the brevity of our lives would we live it differently? Would we be consumed with doing more? Would we change how we lived each day? I watched as a field that once stood tall with 6' grasses was reduced to nothing more than ash within an hour......so are our lives in reality. We all get a certain amount of time in our life and I want to be just as consumed as the grasses were with the difference the fire made in them with the lives that I come in contact with on a daily basis. May my life be one that is Consumed.

The tears that no one sees....

2010-10-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

We have been so blessed in our life. I look back at the marriage, the children and the grandchildren that Bill and I have been blessed with....but today it all seems so clouded by this dark cloud. I HATE THIS DISEASE. I hate what its done to me, I hate what its made me, I hate that it has taken so much of ME away.

So many of us have been through what I would call a "dark night of the soul," I experienced it probably about 7 years ago. It was a time in my life where God seemed so silent. I prayed, I dug deep into scripture, I listened to uplifting messages but it just seemed that God had pulled away his hand from me. It scared me, I didn't know if I had done something that had displeased him or why the silence all of a sudden. I thought I would die, I couldn't do this life without him and without the strength that he provided me and the words of knowledge that I needed always at the appropriate time.....then silence.

In Samuel, Saul found himself being imploded upon by the Philistines, he prayed but God did not answer, not in dreams, not in visions and not with a word. I know its in these times that it is a time for us to sit patiently and wait upon the Lord. But this isn't supposed to happen to me. I feel as though I'm trapped in a body that has totally gone haywire. It's tiring to wake up one day and feel utterly normal and function normally to sometimes hours to a day later completely unable to accomplish the smallest tasks. Tears come as there are days that my physical body and mental body is so tired of fighting and not knowing when this will ever end.

It's difficult being in crowds of people as the dizziness sets in and then the disorientation follows. None of us want others to see us fail, to see us in a state of frailty. I've found out how really small and insignificant we really are in such a vast world. I remember the day of my grandfathers funeral....as we pulled out in the funeral procession that the outside world was continuing on with life. How could this be? This man that I knew was a man of God, he served the Lord with all that he was, nothing in him was ever evil or un-christlike. How is it that everything didn't stand still at this moment....after all....it did for me.

On the day that I'm placed in the ground or any of us are placed in the ground....the pile of papers that need addressed on our desks, the phone calls that need returned and all the things that we see that have to be done......will soon be forgotten. But the time that I spend with my children and my grandchildren molding their lives and showing them how to live in Christ is all that will really matter.

It's been a down day today as I had to turn down doing the Women's Ministry once again this year. I can't even plan a haircut in advance as I don't know from moment to moment if I'll be upright or laid out begging God to end this misery. All I ask for is my health back, all I ask for is that from today forward I can get up daily and enter the world as everyone else enters....without wondering when its going to hit me. I think I'm having better days, but unlike before when I felt bad everyday....now I can feel great and have the wind knocked from my sail in a matter of minutes. When will this torture end. When can I begin to enjoy life again, when can I feel good again. When do I get to pick up the pieces of a terrible 2 years and turn this around to a story that God can use.

The best beauty comes form the worst pain.....

2010-10-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

It's a battle that rages from day to day. Although I do feel like I am getting better when I look back at the past year....it still is so hard to not be what I used to be. I just got over having 3 days thatI believed where good days, Bill says "well you had better hours in the day, but not necessarily good days. Then Saturday evening at 5 pm it all started creeping back, I hate when it starts to come back on....because everytime I have a few good days I tend to get a little excited that maybe this is finally all over. So yesterday and today have been not so fun. Sleep has become a thing of the past.

I lay awake until 1 am if I'm lucky but mostly 3 am or Sunday morning I got in bed at 5 am, for Bill to be getting up. Kind of felt funny...that he was getting up and I was finally going to bed. Then when I do sleep the dreams are very vivid. I dreamt yesterday morning that my mom was sitting on the bed with me....she was saying something to me but for the life of me I can't recall what she said.

I know God has a story to tell through this. I know that everything that has happened in my life God has used to give glory to himself. I also know that throughout scripture everyone that God used had difficulties along the way. Character builders!! I am ready for that time. I'm ready to have the strength and energy and feel good enough to get back out there and be an inspiration to the gospel that I stand upon. I feel like I'm traped right now in a world that doesn't use my ministry gifts. I pray daily that God would remove this thorn and my ministry can resume.

Pain and hardship builds character.....but I'm wondering how much character building was I needing. Had pride stepped in the way of my ministry. Had my ability to accomplish everything on my own strength yielded God to take me to a level that my dependence was totally on his strength. What lesson am I to take from this and in what way Lord do you want me to use this. I ask for wisdom and discernment on what God's plan for my life is and I ask for strength to endure so that through this I may bring glory to him.

Learning to Live with Lyme...

2010-09-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would find myself in this position, in some way we all see ourselves as invincible.....but that all changed for me in May 2009. I had decided not to blog about Lyme because I didn't want lyme to define me.....but as time has passed I find myself reading other lyme patients blogs just to reassure me that someday I'll remember what normal is again. Lyme is such an unforgivable foe.....it affects every organ system of the body and can migrate from one place to another from one hour to the next or from one day to the next. It all began with some mild confusion and what seemed to be panic attacks. I've always been a very emotionally stable person never waivering between good moods and bad moods. I was always happy and always focused on the good in every situation. But I found that I would feel tearful for no reason at all, I would get disoriented to the point that I was afraid that I was loosing my mind. Embarrassed at first by the symptoms.....I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I had recently started a new job and my nurses would come up and talk to me and it was a surreal out of body type of experience as if I was standing aside watching what was going on but not really being able to comprehend what was being asked.....Ohh, I did the best I could at covering up the symptoms, but then I began developing a fever, swollen and very painful joints. I worried about rheumatoid arthritis as the joint pain had affected my toe joints which was very uncommon. Then the dizzy spells began....my commute one way to work was an hour and on many days when I was the opening coordinator I would get up at 3 am to be at the surgery center by 4:30 so that I could get myself together and begin to prepare for the nurses arrival at 5 am. I would have many days that pulling over 4 or 5 times on the way to work to vomit was not uncommon, many days where the center line moved back and forth on the road and I would find myself not knowing if I was in the correct lane or not. As the lyme began to take its toll, I ended up having to resign my position (a job that I loved dearly) as my mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer at the same time. It's hard to help people to understand the face of lyme unless you've experienced a day in it. A lyme patient can change on a dime. Great one moment and useless the next. I've went to bed on more occasions than I care to remember wandering if I would awaken the next day. Then only to be tied up in a political battle over the treatment of lyme. It seems that the CDC has its set of guidelines to treat lyme which entails a month of antibiotics and then they say your cured. I settled for this for about a year. While on the antibiotics life was at least functionable but off.....life was a living breathing hell. Most doctors steer clear of treating lyme because many doctors that treat long term lyme are being sued for doing such by insurance companies. I was sent to see a rheumatologist due to the ongoing joint pain and he immediately says its not lyme its rheumatoid arthritis. I've got the positive lyme results in my hand, know that I've been bit by a tick and know that I've been sick ever since. WHAT part of that do they not understand. I've been told that its just post lyme syndrome and that the symptoms just have to run their course.....easy for them to say when they aren't running daily fevers up to 100.6, living in excruciating joint pain, so dizzy that a drunk could walk a straighter line than I could, heart arrhythmias, nausea, vomiting, migraine type headaches and oh the inability to sleep the one thing you would like to do when you feel so bad. But yet they say this is normal....finally after much research and a God moment I was given a phone number of a lyme specialist that has actually had lyme himself. I have come to learn far more than I ever knew or wanted to know about lyme disease. I want my life back, I want to wake up in the morning and be ready to tackle a full day of work, mowing, landscaping and all the things I love to do...but instead I wake to joints that are froze up and find myself having to soak in epsom salts just to be able to move. I've tried to keep active and walk up and down the driveway.....many a time carrying a phone with me because I wasn't sure if I could make it down the driveway and back without blacking out. Lyme has though given me the ability to slow down and see whats really important in life. I now see how hurried everyone else is and the impatience of people today. I have learned that life is full of uncertainties and that each day that I have a good day is a gift from God. It's my hope that through this writing people can begin to understand the devastating toll that lyme presents and how important it is to prevent this disease. This is the card I've been dealt right now....not the card I asked for but the one that I have been given. Life today is definitely different than what I thought it would be at this time of my life but I'm learning to appreciate even the small gifts in life. Don't make an illness wake you up to the beautiful gifts of life that surround you everyday.

Don't Know How I Got Here...

2010-05-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I got here...not in that sense of the word. I know about the birds and bees, momma and daddy and the like...I mean how did I get HERE to my blog site today. I wasn't even trying to get to my blogsite and I must have hit a wrong button and now I find myself here. I don't want to be here today. My mind has seemed so foggy lately that I avoid my blogsite thinking that I don't know what I am supposed to write and are my thoughts clear enough to convey what my heart feels and thinks right now. I don't know if it just fatigue from taking care of a dying parent, the remnants of lyme or is this just me right now. YIKES, hoping its not the latter of the three. I miss work...I know...most of you are saying wow I wish I could have an extended vacation. NO, you really don't. We all get this sense of accomplishment from our jobs, for what we do everyday to make a difference in some way. I'm struggling with that lately. I look around me at a world that seems to go on with everyday life and I want my old energy back, I want my old mind back, I want my old life back. I guess you could say I feel stuck. I feel like the turtle that you stumble across in the timber that is lying upside down on his back wandering first off how he even got in this position to begin with...he didn't ask to be upside down, left on his back with no physical means of turning his now upside down world upright again. He lies there and just watches as the timber scurries with life around him, the squirrels gather their nuts...oh, yeah they notice that he is now upside down but what are they to do....so they scurry on their way continuing what their day was set out to accomplish. A deer passes by and gives the turtle a glance of..."hey...did you notice that your upside down?" NO really, I was just checking out what the sky looks like from my rounded shell of a back!! I had read a book once by Sheila Walsh called "The Heartache That No One Sees." in it she had wrote about the church and how we all march along as one happy band until one of us falls...the others pause for a moment...but soon they continue to march on, without even looking back. How many times have we failed as the church? How many times has one of our very own found himself lying in the timber, upside, with only a rounded shell to hold him up and no way of turning himself back over to march along with the rest of the church. In second Corinthians Paul is writing to the church in Corinth....Paul of all people has spent his fair share of time in the timber lying flat on his back wandering how he got where he was and how would he ever get out of it... there was even a point in Pauls life where he said that he was torn about dying or living. To die would bring life with Christ but in life he would spend his time teaching from his back experiences leading people to Christ and giving eternal life to those that knew no life. Anyway....in second Corinthians Paul is explaining to the church that in this life we will have hardships, we will suffer, we will despair even of life. "Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us" 2 Corinthians 1:9-10. Though my days and many of yours may be like that turtle lying in the woods. God has a plan....and he may very well have let us roll over....stuck on our back just so we'll be forced to take the time to see and focus on His plan.

Happy Mother's Day Mom...

2010-05-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

Its so hard to believe a month has passed already...and boy was I sure not thinking that Mother's Day would land on the exact day that mom passed. Guess we both should have had better planning on that part. I haven't blogged in awhile as I am still trying to wrap my hands around these new feelings and emotions that are going on in me. Feelings and emotions that are not familiar to me, that I don't know what to do with. Bill told me the other day that it was kind of like getting married for the first time...a place of emotions and feelings that we had not experienced until after we married and we grew to love and know one another. Or kind of like the first time they lay that new baby in your arms and all these emotions well up inside of you....will I be everything that this little being needs, can I love unconditionally, can I be what all of a sudden is expected of me as..."mom." I've lost alot of people in my life....grandparents and great-grandparents, but this new feeling of letting my mom go has been one that I have found to be such a painful journey. I didn't realize all my mom was too me until she is no longer here...mom, friend, confidant, that ear to hear all that troubles me in life. I find myself listening for the phone to ring only to find that it doesn't ring anymore with mom's voice on the other end. I don't like tears, I like to celebrate the good things of life and to work past those issues that I cannot change in life. So to me these emotions and feelings are something new to work through. I guess time will begin to heal the heart....but I do believe that God created in each of us a special place in our hearts for mom that is never meant to be filled with anything but mom. So this mothers day mom...is going to be rough. But as I continue to work through the emotions of it all...you are never far from my thoughts nor my heart.

Just Sitting Down in the Throne Room of God...

2010-04-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

I was overwhelmed today by the presence of God as we celebrated mom's life. I can't help but be overwhelmed by God's presence every time I get a chance to worship. Well very seldom during a funeral do you get a chance to to worship, but much to my pleasant surprise our worship pastor played the new modern version of "It Is Well With My Soul." At first the song just played but then he had the words to the song up on the big screen and the words just started to come out and then as if I was hearing an echo those attending the funeral echoed the words behind me.....everything in me was busting at the seams....I just can't worship sitting down in my chair as if I was casually singing to the King of Kings. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and being in the front of the church I didn't want to draw attention but everything in me couldn't stand it anymore and I had to stand to my feet to worship a God that I am not worthy to SIT in the presence of. I like being in the back of the church. I like praising God knowing its just Him and I and no one is watching. I love my quiet time spent just listening for his voice. I so remember as a child attending church and seeing everyone sitting down singing in a dulldrom choir like monotone voice and at that time that was what I knew of church....but then as an adult I came to KNOW what a relationship was with Christ and just sitting and worshiping the way I had known as a child just didn't seem worthy enough of the most High God. So much in me wants to turn around and YELL to the whole congregation "if you were standing in Heaven right now and you were face to face with God, is this how you would be worshiping." YOU ARE!! Whether your in your car, in your house or standing in church God is before you. Worship with all of your heart. And when I am STANDING in the throne room of God worshiping with everyone else there.....I don't even know if I'll be STAND...I may be the one flat on the floor before my maker.

Redefined Life...

2010-04-13T18:02:00.001-07:00

After mom passed Friday we called pastor Tim to let him know of her passing. Tim came out and sat with us until they came to take her away. After the undertaker left Tim took a moment to pray with my dad, Bill and I and something really hit me about his prayer for us he asked God to help us in this time of our life as we "redefine" our lives without mom in them. I had not really thought of that up until that point. I was living the day to day of caring for her needs moment by moment and had not thought of how life will function without her in it. It's taken a few days to reorganize life for dad and I we are still busy with tending to the preparations for family and friends to come and celebrate our lives and their lives that were spent with mom as wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, friend and co-worker. We know that the true realization of moms absence in our life has not really hit us yet....friends and family remind us that it really doesn't hit you for a few weeks after their passing. Moments come where the tears just flow and others are filled with such joy in knowing what her life is like now. I am beginning to see the redifining time. I've already picked up the phone and dialed her number to realize that there would be no answer on the other end. I've thought about future events and how the one person that I couldn't wait to share them with wouldn't be there.....Morgan getting engaged, Morgan's first baby, my life being lyme free, the selling of our business......As dad and I started going through some of her clothes I had this realization of how little value this life holds without salvation and the word of our testimony. What else do we leave behind....a pile of clothes, shoes, purses, make-up all of no value to her now. On her last days what did those things matter to her. What really mattered was that she had peace in knowing her Lord and that she would be spending an eternity in glory....what really mattered was the love that she left behind...what really mattered was nothing of this world. But all of an eternal value. Dad and I are redifining our life.....but one thing that will never have to be redefined is the love that we know of our father and the value of the only thing that really matters in the end....our story, our love, our legacy, and the word of our testimony.

A Life Well Lived and Well Loved.

2010-04-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

I have been so blessed to be the daughter of one of the most amazing women I have known. Yesterday as mom was having a very rough time she had just vomited dark bile all over herself, the bed, the pillow and the floor. Dad and I proceeded to clean her up we laid her back down in the bed and I sat down beside her on the bed, as I sat her arm that was draped across her hip fell down in front of me her wedding ring slipped off her now so tiny hands and it fell right into my lap. What makes that story so ironic is that after mom was diagnosed we were driving along and mom said I want you to try my wedding rings on to see if they will need to be altered, they fit perfect......so as the ring feel into my lap and I place it upon my finger and I told her "mom, I have your ring on my finger" she nodded her head yes as if she understood. We all lay there with her as we couldn't detect a B/P and we just knew that her time was coming to a close for mom. I began stroking her now thinly face her cheekbones and jaw bones ever more prominent since she has lost so much weight. As I stroked her face I couldn't help but wonder if on the day that I was born that she was doing the very same thing, thinking about how beautiful to her was this little angel that she held and I lay there thinking the same as I held her. I figured it this way, she held me when I came into this world and I held her on her way out of this world. Mom's legacy of endearing love for her family and friends, her love of nature and her love of the father will live on as we continue where she left off. I will miss you terribly mom and I will have to constantly remind myself of where you are and the days that you are having. I can't imagine anything being more beautiful than the place that you stand right now.......and I know that we all will see you soon. There's not enough thank you's in the world to tell you how much you have made me the woman that I am today. Heaven rejoices mom. We rejoice mom, somedays through the tear, somedays through joy. But today is your day mom. I wish you could give me a glimpse of what your seeing right now.

Who Is Jesus to Me????

2010-04-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

Jesus the genie, Jesus the 911 operator....who really is Jesus to me? I cry out in need on my darkest days but how often do I call out his name on my mountain top days. We tend to use Jesus only when we really need him...other days we set him on the shelf to gather the dust of the day. Matthew 16:13-20 In a synopsis Jesus is sitting with his disciples when he point blank asks them "Who do people say that I am"? They answer with "some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets." But then he says to them "Who do YOU say that I am"? Simon Peter answered "You are the Christ the Son of the Living God." Only to be denied by Peter shorty after. It's easy for us to sit face to face with Jesus and say you are my all in all but when face to face with a non-believer we quickly forget who Jesus is in our lives. Jesus proceeds to tell Peter that he was blessed because that was not revealed to him by man but by God himself and "that you are Peter and on this rock I build my church and the gates of Hades (hell) will NOT overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven." Our future was built on that moment in time. God, through Jesus built his church on a single man that he knew would soon betray him. I fail him daily, I fall....but the difference in failing and falling is that in failing I give up in falling I get back up. Who do I say you are.....I say not only are you the son of the living God, you are Holy, you are trustworthy, you are love in its deepest form, you are forgiveness, you are the voice that I hear when I don't think I can get up one more time, you are my strength in these days as I grow weary. You are my God, my reason for living, the hope to which I am called, you are my all in all. Will I fail you....you know I will...but you love me still. You know my heart Lord....search it and see that it is true. YOU ARE LOVE AND LIGHT TO ME.

What Do I Know of Holy....

2010-04-04T15:12:00.000-07:00

I heard that song on the radio today and I've heard it time after time....but for some reason today it really hit me.....what do I really know of Holy? I guess its been more on my mind lately with mom preparing to stand before the holy of holies. Mom always had such a beautiful singing voice and I remember as a child standing beside her in church and just gazing up at her as she was singing....I was just in awh of her voice...it was so beautiful. I understand now as a woman myself that her voice may not have been beautiful to anyone else but me, but because she belonged to me and because of my deep love for my mother it was as nothing I had ever heard before. I wonder if that's what God hears when He hears us sing to Him. Does he look at what he created, the son or daughter that he loves so dearly and stand there in awh of the sound of our voices as we worship Him. I had the opportunity to sit in the back of the sanctuary this morning something pastors don't get the opportunity or the joy to do very often.....but as I stood there singing I could hear the echo of voices that sang to the King of Kings, the holy of holies. I got goose bumps as I just absorbed the sound. Of course I have attended this church for years now and I can walk you up and down the rows and tell you of each of the stories of lives that have been transformed by a Holy God. Lives broken by divorce, bankrupcy, infidelity, addictions and even imprisonment. I can't help but feel a smile inside when I see their and my life transformed from surrendering to a higher calling. I sat their this morning and gazed at three of the known addicts that now live a life free of addictions and full of love and adoration for a God that delivered them. All serving God and his purposes now. But yet what do they really know of Holy? What do I really know of Holy? I have never stood face to face with someone so radiant with holiness that my eyes could not even gaze upon them. So when I see God I see only what my small imagination can fathom. I so wish mom could send a note from heaven I'm sure it would say.....My dearest Tim and Tammy....I wish you could see what I am seeing right now. His brilliance is that of the brightest sun yet a hundred times brighter. The train of his robe fills the temple and the sounds of the cherubum singing Holy...Holy....Holy is like nothing you have ever heard. I can't wait to show you all the beauty that surrounds me and the fragrances are so magnificiant the smell of fields of vivid flowers all in various colors...it is all to stunning to tell you about. So what do I know of Holy? Nothing until the day that I stand before the king of kings and Lord or Lords and He shows me.......HOLY!

You Heard My Cry....

2010-04-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

God never ceases to amaze me. As mom rallied around last night and this morning I knew her time was drawing to a close. She said this morning that she was afraid to die. God in his infite grace gave me

Psalm 116

I love the Lord for he heard my voice;

he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. THE CORDS OF DEATH ENTANGLED ME, THE ANGUISH OF THE GRAVE CAME UPON ME; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. THEN, I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, tha I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. I believed therefore, I said, "I am greatly afflected." And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars." How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people. Precious in the sight of the LORD is death of his saints. O LORD, truly I am your servant; I am your servant the son of your maidservant, you have freed me from my chains. I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people, in the courts of the house of the LORD-in your midst, O Jerusalem. PRAISE THE LORD

Notice how the name of the LORD is in all caps numerous times as the Jewish faith believes the true name of the LORD-YAHWEH was to reverent to be spoken. But to me, he is my God, my savior, my LORD, MY YAHWEH. Today Lord we lay mom from our arms to yours may she once again know laughter, joy and the beauty of your face. You are good Lord and worthy to be praised.

Reflection of Glory

2010-03-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

We are called to be reflections of God. Our calling is to strive daily to "take up our cross," actually scripture says that if anyone of us is to follow Christ we must deny ourselves and take up our cross DAILY. I guess I forget this part somedays, I like most people get tied up in the daily grind of life and forget sometimes where I even put that cross. And deny myself.....wow....self sacrifice, who would even hear of self sacrifice in a world where the media and everything around us tells us its all about US. What happened to the days where we would open the door for someone coming after us, or when we get up to the checkout allowing the person with the few items to go on ahead of us. Where and when did we throw self sacrifice out the window. How will the people recognize us as Christ Followers if people can't see the fruit that we bear from our tree. I dare to think that God had an ultimate design for the tree of life, it was to impart wisdom and knowledge. We were the ones that chose to abuse what God had intended to be a gift. As Jesus was teaching His disciples He told them that of all the things they had witnessed him do that "WE" would do greater things yet. Greater things yet.......but we see ourselves as "unworthy" to be used so we succumb to an average Christian life when God has already told us "YOU will do even greater things than I" Jesus. Every person that God used in scripture was an average Joe just like you and I. Jesus accomplished HUGE events that changed history through people just like us. My goal is to be a reflection of the image that I see. And what I see when I see the tree is Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control. And when they look into my reflection may they not see a reflection of me.... but may they see Jesus reflected in me.

Sift Me Lord.....Sift Me

2010-03-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

I know that I brought about all that we are going through as a family when I sat out at prayer mountain and I asked God to "Sift Me...sift me, as wheat." I thought at the time I knew what I had just asked God to do. I wanted anything that was not of him to be sifted from me. I wanted to be Holy and righteous in His sight. I wanted His will for my life, I wanted to take the right path and not veer to the right or to the left. But what did I just do......little did I know that my whole world would be turned upside down and shaken so that everything that was not of God could be shaken out of me. I have grown so much in the past year. Through all the difficult times that we have traveled in the past year-I held close to my savior...knowing that without Him all would seem lost. No, I didn't know the path nor did God plan on letting me in on where the path was leading. I just trusted Him when He directed me down the path that He has placed me on. Is it a journey that I would have chosen-absolutely not. But what knowledge, what perseverance, what patience, what hope, what joy I have gained through this journey I would choose all over again. During my time at prayer mountain God was really focusing my attention on two key scriptures. Exodus 23:20 "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared. PAY ATTENTION to Him and LISTEN to what he says and do not rebel against him. It was after this time that I continually ran into scripture after scripture about "paying attention and to listen." My journey is not yet over. God is continually sifting me into what He wants me to become. The process is grueling but what good comes of the wheat until it is sifted into a usable flour. 2 Peter 1:19 And we have the word of the prophets made more certain and you will do well to PAY ATTENTION to it as to a light shining in a dark place until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your heart. I'm paying close attention these days. Lord, yes I still want you to sift me.....as painful as it may be. I am willing. I am able. Make me into something usable.

Radical Love

2010-03-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

After much thought this morning and through the tears that continue to flow I imagined how God's heart must ache for us his children as he watches the pain and sorrow in our life. He tells us that every tear that we cry He holds in his hand. I look at the love we have for our children and our parents and can't even fathom a love greater than that, but His love is abounding it is without word.....unexplainable, unimaginable. This morning as I got mom up off the couch to put her in her wheelchair she wrapped her arms around my neck....we danced for a moment, only really to stretch her legs...but it felt so good, so secure again just holding her. We both began to cry as she laid her head against my chest, I thought this must be what God feels when one of his children weeps and he holds them close and reminds us in Psalm 34:17 "the righteous cry out and I the Lord hear them; I will deliver you from all your troubles. I the Lord am close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in Spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but I the Lord deliver him from them all" I know deliverance will come and this season of life will have its time. Revelation 21: 4 reminds me that, He will wipe every tear away from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain for the old order of things has passed away. And he reminds us that He is making everything new!! I wander what goes through mom's head as she sleeps, does she dream or are her thoughts still. Does she feel his peace as I know His peace. What will she see as that time approaches will she be surrounded by angels, will the heavenly hosts sing as she makes her way home. Will her past family and friends be there waiting for her. God I know you are so good and I know that your loving arms are surrounding us right now. I feel you Lord. I feel you as a woman feels the warmth and strength of her loving husbands arms as he comes up behind her and encompasses her in the safety of his arms. Lord give my mom that peace. Lord wrap your arms around her, make your presense known to her during this difficult and scary period of her life. We look to you because all other loves are comprehensable but yours is far beyond our comprehension.

Am I Living the Cross of Christ

2010-03-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

I wondered today if my life reflects all that Christ gave for me....I wondered if I was living the price that He paid to carry my cross. It was bad enough that He was beaten, broken, spat upon only to drag my cross of sin and shame to the top of that hill only to be hung upon it for something that He didn't even deserve. Where was I? Ahhh....yes, I was standing in the crowd with everyone else watching Him carry their cross as well. The load of that cross upon His shoulders had to be overwhelming for my sin alone let alone the sin of all mankind. Isaiah 53 had told about this man that God would send to carry our inadequacies. 53:11 After the suffering of His soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify MANY and He will BEAR their iniquites." I can't seem to get my small humanly hands around the fact that God would send His son, not just His son BUT HIS ONLY CHILD, only to be mocked, beaten, battered and bruised for me. Which brings my thoughts back to am I living the cross of Christ. Am I making the weight he carried worth the pain he endured for me. Would I lay down my life to complete His will for me. Will I carry the cross for someone that isn't strong enough today to carry the weight of their world on their shoulders, will I walk beside them and encourage them that the weight on their shoulders has already been lifted, Christ already carried it....there is now no need to weigh ourselves down with the weight of a sin that God has already forgiven. What I've really been thinking about is as mom enters her last hours, what can I say about my last years, my last days, my last hour....will it be said that "she glorified God to the very end." That they saw no burden that I carried BECAUSE it wasn't given to me to carry. God said give it to me....and I will make your burden light. I think today I'm going to start living more for the Cross that was carried for me. Ahhh.....I feel the weight already becoming lighter. Will you live for the Cross as well or will you have let Him carry YOUR cross in vain?

Is this your hand reaching for me or I reaching for you....

2010-03-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Through the tears that randomly come now my mind searches the past, the memories we have made with mom....I saw this picture in my mind of this hand reaching down. I'm not sure if its me that He reaches out too... our whether that outreached hand is reaching her way calling her name....beckoning her to come home. I heard this song this weeks that says that "I have unaswered prayers, I have trouble that I wish wasn't there. I have asked a thousand ways that you would take this pain away. I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land. To make straight the paths I find...oh Lord before these feet of mine." When my world is shaking I never leave your hands. When you walked upon the broken earth you healed the lost of hope. I know you hate to see me cry...one day you will set all things right. When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, when my heart is breaking I never leave your hands. Your hands are holding me....they still are holding me. I never leave your hands. I never leave your hands. JJ Heller "Your Hands"
Time flys by as I remember so well being that little girl that she used to guide along in life and now I hold her hand to cross those dangerous streets, when once she walked me to the bathroom I now take her cold, fragile hand in mine as I lead her to the bathroom. I know now why she used to sit and just watch me sleep, as now I sit and watch her sleep and its beauty to me. Lord I don't want to let her go....but I know you are finishing up her new home made especially for her and that everyone that she loved along the way already are awaiting her, my brother or sister that she never got to hold she will soon meet. Her father whom I watched her cry endless tears over as he passed away. Oh I remember the pain of that day for her so much. I remember where she sat and wept and the inability to console that place in her heart that her father held. Soon he will embrace her as will Her heavenly father. What will she see.......will it be a beautiful summer day....oh I think YES, the flowers will bloom with fragrances and colors I can only imagine. Even the trees will sing songs that we could only imagine. So mom.....Fly Away Home....Fly Away Home.....Fly Away Home. That hand is outreached for you, He's ready to take you home whenever you're ready to go. We love you so much mom and nothing will ever change that love. And we will see you soon.....as in Heaven it will seem like minutes to you before we arrive to join you. Fly Away Mom.....Fly Away Home.

Darkness and Light

2010-03-17T18:21:00.001-07:00

The world seems so dark today, tears come and go so easily as I watch mom sleeping in her chair. Her body seems so lifeless now and only a shell of what it used to contain. I had this exact picture in my mind as I thought about this blog. We travel through a dark world so full of twists, turns, valleys and mountaintops but without the "Light" how do we really know which way to go. I'm reminded of Moses when God asked him to go to Pharoh and demand that Pharoh let God's people go and Moses saying "Oh Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue....Lord please send someone else." So many times I hear God beckoning for me to do public speaking but I have this innate fear of standing in front of people. All of my life I have been the behind the scenes type of person I love to make things happen.....not just make things happen but make things happen with such passion that the surroundings themselves speak directly to your soul. Approximately a year ago (coincidence...I don't know....but prior to my Lyme diagnosis) I felt God proding me to step out and speak more to women about their passion for not just being a Christian but being a TRUE CHRIST FOLLOWER...not just reading the word but living the word. I guess I kind have felt alot like Jonah in that I ran clear to Tarshesh to avoid speaking in front of people....are you kidding....my palms sweat, my heart beats out of my chest and I just know that I will make a big fool of myself. But yet I keep hearing God say NO-because it won't be you it will be me. Is it coincidence that in the past 10 months since my initial diagnosis that I have heard 3 different sermons on Jonah....what is the deal already.......can't these pastors find any other books of the bible besides Jonah. I'm scared Lord...so much of my security has been or is being taken away from me....my health, then my daughter leaving for college and now my mother. I feel weaker than I have ever felt before...but yet I feel stronger than I have ever known. I mark in my bible alot.....if you would see my bible you would see that it looks more like a road map that's gone astray than a book ordained by a great God. I even write dates in the margins that maybe on that particular day that verse spoke directly to me. In 2006 I marked next to Luke 22:31 "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen our brothers." I had wrote in my journal and asked God to sift me...to sift us....and to remove anything from us that was not of him. These last few years God has done just that he has taken the darkness and lit the path of light and directed us to go. To not turn to the left. To not turn to the right. But go where He directs. Father give me strength, my mind and my body need healing to lead me on this journey you have lit before me. Where you lead I will follow. I want to be your light in a dark world. Through all my darkest days you are my true light.

Life...In Perfect Balance

2010-02-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

I have decided that despite the negative circumstances of my health right now I would try to focus daily on what God wanted to teach me through all of this. Wednesday I found myself admitted to Barnes Jewish Hospital on Thursday I found myself curled up into the fetal position on a hospital bed while someone sticks an awful long needle into my back and this crystal clear fluid poors forth from my body. SOUNDS great huh. I mean the crystal clear part not the needle part. It was from this experience in my life that I learned that God created Life to be in a perfect balance. He created our bodies with just the right amont of heart, the proper amount of lung tissue, just the right size kidneys and oh by the way....a PERFECT BALANCE of cerebral spinal fluid....yeah the pretty crystal clear stuff. Well guess what without a perfect balance of cerebral spinal fluid the meningies that cover your brain sag down onto the brain and it seems as though they have lots of little nerve endings that create an awful excruciating headache when not left in its perfect balance. I have spent the last 2 days lying flat to avoid the seering pain of sitting or standing, along with the deafness in my left ear that also occurs with sitting or standing. But in all this I see it so clearly that is exactly how God wants us to understand HIM. He created us to live in His perfect balance and without him there seems to be just enough imbalance that pain starts to creep in, our lives are transformed from what we knew of them to now trying to figure out how to deal with this new presence of pain in our life.....look at a young 2 or 3 year old they run about with joy, laughter without a care in the world....the balance has not yet been broken in their lives and they know not of the pain that life ahead of them holds. But yet God offers us hope for the pain Matthew 16:20 I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. you will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, BUT I will see you again and WILL rejoice and NO ONE will take away your joy. So for now I continue to seek that perfect balance of God in my life because without him.....I'm finding Life is one HUGE headache.For by letting Christ just seep out of your life in even the smallest ways can cause the most excruciating pain. AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE WE WILL SERVE THE LORD. Even in these dark painful days.

Into the Arms of Jesus

2010-02-12T17:02:00.001-08:00

As mom and and I sat on the couch the other night she says to me "will you be with me up until the end." Without hesitation I told her that I would carry her into the threshold of Heaven and leave her in the arms of Jesus. Guess that probably would cover the end part. I only wish I could sneak a glimpse while I'm there. I have always been a very visionary type of person. I was gifted with the ability to see the outcome of a task even before I begin it, so as I read about Heaven I have this picture of streams that are so crystal clear, stones lining the bottom of the creek beds that one could only imagine the colors as we in our own eyes have never seen such radiance. I see streets that glimmer of gold, flowers that are so fragrant that I can't help but just stand there and breath in so deep to never forget the smell. A gentle warm breeze blowing and the leaves of the trees almost applauding with each wisp of wind. I see such a glow that I can't even bear to look up because the brightness is of something I have never before experienced. And oh yes, this cotton white robe that seems to flow mile upon mile as if it never ends. Its whiter than any white I have ever beheld~Isaiah 6:1 "and the train of his robe filled the temple." And we wonder and marvel at the sight of Spring. Wow. How will I even be able to stand there to lay her in his arms. On the other hand mom, I'll fall at the feet of Jesus with you in my arms. But we'll get you there.

Lost in a World that Won't Let Go...

2010-02-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt lost in a world that just won't let go. Having never felt the pressures of dying or facing my own death I can't say that I begin to understand what goes through ones mind, but as I watch my mom and I see how she clings so much to this world that offers us nothing. No hope, no promise of eternal life, no life without pain and suffering....I wonder why it is we cling so strongly to it. Do we cling to the known and fear the unknown, do we doubt what Christ has promised us....Life Eternal and Love that is unconditional have we traded the truth for a lie? God has promised eternal life and life that is far more abundant than anything we could have ever imagined yet we face death with such anxiety. I guess I find myself strange in many ways. I feel such a glimmer of hope inside, such a sense of peace in knowing that one day I will come face to face with my creator....a God that loves me not for the things I've accomplished, not for the beauty he see's as a father but only because he calls me his child. I think of how he must feel if our heart aches for the ones that have left us to go home, how much more does his heart ache for them to return to him, for he held them and cradled them in his arms long before we even imagined a life with them. God grant us peace at this time, give my mother the joy of knowing you are there waiting for her and that you will not let her suffer alone, that you will never leave her side nor will you ever forsake her.

Chosen....Who Me?.... Who You?

2010-01-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

God chose a child to come into this world to save us all from sin. He took

the only thing that He knew would make an eternal impact on His people. Something that we all could relate to, the loss of something so precious to us that would forever change our lives. The thought of God chosing me or God chosing you is far from fathomable for us. Who are we that we would deserve such an honor to be chosen by the king of kings to accomplish something great for his Kingdom. As we look through the bible we see so many sinners saved by grace and used by God but yet we see that its possible for them but impossible for us. Jeremiah 1:5 says. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I SET YOU APART (consecrated) I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. Why do we fail to see what God has imparted to us and focus on the failure the world continues to tell us we are. God has an eternal plan for us to accomplish. I know I fail to see it daily. I fail to follow it daily. I FAIL to feel worthy of the call. Afraid of failing, afraid of falling, afraid of being persecuted. 1 John 2:20 says "but you have an annointing from the Holy One, and you know the truth. I do not write to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it and because no lie comes from the truth. John goes on to say in verse 27 "as for you the annointing you receieved from him remains in you". We are capable because of the annointing he has placed in us not from our human perspective but from divine perspective. Isn't it time for us to step out and be "SET APART', "CONSECRATED" for all that God has set apart for us to accomplish. How different would the bible have read if David didn't follow through as king, or Moses failed to lead the people. Where is the David in you, where has the Moses gone. Its our time now. Our time to stand up and be all that God created us to be. Consecrated for Him.

What now Lord.....

2009-12-07T20:34:00.000-08:00

I've drifted away for the past few months. Not of my own accord but of a road that has been less traveled by. I spent alot of time last year on prayer mountain and taking long walks through my woods, thinking and praying and just spending time listening to the stillness of the moment. Little did I know that my time of peace and growth would lead me into months of a different growth. I've come to question alot of things in the past few months. It all began in April as I accepted the job of my dreams. I was going to be working as a nursing coordinator for a very busy ambulatory surgery center. Life in that moment could not have been brighter. I was walking on cloud nine. Never in my life have I been so excited to get up the next morning to just go do it again. I loved my job, I loved the company I worked for and I loved the staff that worked around me. But only weeks into the job I began to develop some very concerning issues. I first began to notice that when I spoke my words wouldn't come out right or they would slur, with everything in me I tried to cover up the fact that something was really wrong with me. Simple daily tasks began to be very complex for my mind to get around. I just couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong. Then I noticed joint pain that was so diverse that it even traveled to my toe joints, and then the fevers. What could possibly be wrong. I found myself pulling it all together so that I could at least function during the day at work, but only to come home to soak in a hot tub to releave the joint pain and straight to bed. I found myself pushing the world out and away from me. People from church meant well and wanted to help, but I couldn't stand what I was seeing in me let alone let them see me this way. There where days that I begged God to take me home away from the intense joint pain, the intense fatigue and the sickening feeling in my stomach that this wasn't just going to go away. I wanted to lead at work like I knew how to lead, but my mind wasn't crisp enough, I couldn't think anymore. I could only function. I wanted so much to turn to God and to my faith, but then I found when I turned to my bible I couldn't make out the words on the page, not only were they blurring together but they made no sense in this new infected brain of mine. Would I ever be the same. Would I ever get the passion of ministry back. What was happening and WHY! I loved the LORD, I gave my life to serving HIM. How could my energy, my vision, my stamina all be taken from me. How Lord will I serve you then? Many months have sence gone by and each day brings a little glimmer of hope. I begin to see things a little clearer now, but I ask you dear Lord to fill me once again with your spirit. With your passion. With your ability to get it all done. Many roadblocks have seemed to find their way into my path, but deep in my heart I knew there was no hurdle that I could not pass. God had gotten me this far and I knew He just wouldn't leave me here. So today, I pick up some of the small pieces of who I used to be and I begin to gather what pieces God wants me to gather to form the new me-one with a Heart Like HIS. Tear me, make me Lord. I want so much to be like you. I will suffer much but I will also know that at the end, I will stand before an amazing God and I will hear "Well done-Good and Faithful Servant." Just lead the way Lord-but remember the brain's a little slower this time so you may have to do more of the driving this time.

Trail of tears...

2009-08-07T15:54:00.001-07:00

As I was talking to Bill today he reminded me that life really does leave a trail of tears. Whether it be good tears or bad tears...life holds an abundance of both. I go through my weeks trying to remain strong to hold myself together for the sake of those that I work with & those around me that need for me to be strong. But yet my heart cries and evening and weekends the tears begin. I did something today that I never thought I would ever do...I went with my mom & dad and helped them pick out a grave stone. Any other time in my life this may have not been so difficult but with the reality of the situation I stood there utterly shocked at the realization of it all. A number of years ago a member of our church had been praying for Bill & I (when we were in the depths of ministry leadership) she had wrote a note to us on a piece of paper that had said that as she was praying for us she heard Isaiah 53:10-11....the will of the Lord will prosper in his hands. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied. I keep this note tucked away in our bible and I run it across it from time to time. Yesterday morning as I made my hour commute to work...I just shut down the radio and began to beg God to get us through this. I begged Him to give us strength that we could not find on our own, but only a strength that He could provide. As I was praying I heard clear as day "you will see the light of life...after the suffering of your soul." I felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. As many of you know Isaiah is one of my favorite books in the bible...as I was studying I ran across Isaiah 40:4 Every valley shall be raised up every moutain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed. I believe that....I believe that every valley in our life does eventually level out & every mountain that we climb has a majestic peak and that all the rough ground that we have travelled leads us to the beautiful plains. AND IN ALL THINGS GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED. This trail we travel in life does leave many tears but we can be assured that we never travel it alone. He catches every tear...cupped in His hands.

The Journey Home....

2009-07-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

The journey home...not much thought goes into the limited number of days we have ahead. Most of us get up everyday...go to our jobs, give our best efforts to run home and spend even more time meeting the demands of a household and things that need to be done. The reality of how short our journey really is hit me this week. I write this through alot of pain and alot of tears. The words are blurry as I write. But yet I have this sense of peace that is indescribable. This past week my mother was diagnosed with inoperable adenocarcinoma of the pancreas. As we sat with the doctor and I watched as he spoke so gently to my mother (the very same woman that bandaged all of my wounds as a child, that held me when I had my first broken heart as a teenager, that has walked every journey with me through life-good and bad) tell her that she only had 6-12 months to live and there was nothing they could do. I felt this overwhelming sense of numbness. How was I going to go on without the voice of my mother on the other end of the phone. How was I going to sit in church every Sunday knowing that she wasn't sitting there beside me. How was my dad going to go on knowing that the love of his life wasn't there beside him. How we view life so differently when we have been told it is now going to be brief. The things that seem to matter so much before seem so trivial right now. I wish there was some way I could describe to you the roller coaster of emotions that are running through my head. On one hand I am so excited for her. As she comes face to face with Jesus, I can only imagine the joy that her heart will feel, the beauty that will surround her and the family and friends that have gone before her awaiting her arrival. John talks about what he saw in Revelation about Heaven and its majestic beauty.

Revelation 21:13 It shown with the glory of God and its brillance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. vs 18 The wall was made of jasper and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. 22:1 Then the angel showed be the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God.

I'm thinking that John couldn't even begin to describe its beauty because it is so far from our comprehension of beautiful. But as I see the love a daughter has for her mother and the love a mother has for her daughter. I think I get a glimpse of what heaven must be like.

Lord help us in these troubling times. Help us in the days that our hearts break for what we are losing but you are gaining. Help us to understand and see your excitement of her homecoming. I know that you Lord are preparing her a place right now. Your word tells me that you prepare a place for all of us. Bless us Lord in what we have left here with her. Fill us with the happy memories of the life that we got to share with her. You are so good Lord and I thank you for my mother. The very precious one that you hand picked just for me. THANK YOU LORD.

The Call.....

2009-03-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

I've taken awhile to write this because I struggle just as much with this as the next guy. As Christians we attend church on Sunday morning feel empowered by the message but yet fail as Christians throughout the week. In Matthew 16:24 Jesus said that "If anyone would come after me, HE MUST deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." If he really is Lord of my life wouldn't I give him ALL of my life. Many...almost all of the disciples died in service to Jesus. As I thought about what it is that holds us back it came kind of as a revolution that we are so afraid that God will call us and that the accountability to that calling will literally consume us and we will "die" to self. I wondered why we don't spend more time in scripture...is it because the more time we spend in the word we realize that All that God called were stretched beyond themselves and were asked by God to do things that we can't even fathom being asked to do. As we read His word we see that our purposes and our plans become so small to what He really has laid out for us. I had went to bed the other night at the usual time but as many times before I suddenly became wide awake. I came out to the couch grabbed my bible and opened to 1 John 2:20 "But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you know the truth. I do not write to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it. If you do a word study on anointing...it means chosen ones of God. We that have Jesus..have been anointed. He has chose us and we do know the truth. Also, as I was studying I came across Hebrews 10:38 "But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." Guess that holds us pretty accountable as Christ-followers to not only read His word but to live the word. What will we do with the calling upon our life? Will we continue to run from it or will we embrace by faith and allow God to do His will through us?

I Did Not Die On A Cross...For you to live a mediocre life!

2009-03-05T14:00:00.001-08:00

Wow, did I struggle with what to use as the title to this blog entry. I saw a couple of things. One being the tight clenched fists of somebody trying desperately to hold on to something....for me....the ability to let go of my fear. But then I also saw the image of Christ hanging on the Cross and I heard him say....I DID NOT DIE ON A CROSS....FOR YOU TO LIVE A MEDIOCRE LIFE!! Forgive me Lord. Forgive me for so many times laying my doubts, my fears, my shortcomings at the foot of your cross...only to shortly return to pick them back up. We are so comfortable with what we know....yet what do we really know? Do I know what tomorrow really holds, what about next week, what about next month......what about a year from now? God is really stretching us right now as a family. He is reminding us that we really don't need to know....because HE knows. I so often play in my mind the "what if's" and then what's. Beth Moore taught in her study yesterday that Satan loves to use our "what if's" against us. He has no other leverage then the leverage we allow him to take. What if my child doesn't return home tomorrow, what if this is the last time I see my husband, what if I don't get that job that we so desperately need.....then What? God keeps asking....then what? I love Beth's answer because it so echoes mine. What if God!! What if.....then I....I would just fall apart. I don't know that I could get up. (God says...then what), well I would just lay in the floor and cry (then what), well I guess I would just have to lay there with my bible over my head (then what) well I guess I would have to get into your word for my strength (then what) OK Lord....then I would have to just get up and start ministering again. But Lord I don't know that I am strong enough. But I know that you use our weaknesses to show your strength.

I struggled with the title because I really saw "Gripped in Fear." I don't want to be afraid. I know that you are good and your love for me never wains for a minute. I know that I can trust that your plan is good even if its not the plan that I would have chosen. But it would be a lie for me to say that I'm not afraid of the future. Your word tells us over and over and over again to not fear..."Do not be afraid." I wonder why you said it so much. It makes me realize I'm not alone in my fear. That of all the things you repeated...this one was repeated the most. WHY?? Why when you have shown yourself time and time again to be faithful and true, do we question or doubt that you will carry us through the next challenge in our life? Help me to loosen my grip on Fear and instead of my fists being clenched may my hands be held out.....ready to receive your blessing. How could I ever think that I would even be able to accept it with my hands held tight in fists. My hands can only receive when they are open to receive. I am going to move forward knowing that you didn't hang on that cross in vain. WE.....WE were created for SUCH A TIME AS THIS. May NO fear stand in the way of the purpose that you have created me for.

Watchman....

2009-02-23T06:25:00.000-08:00

Gosh, I wanted to avoid this post like the plague. I can't believe a week has gone by since my last post. Where is the time going and why is it going so fast. I had to change my weekly post on the bathroom mirror. Each week I try to write something on our mirror that will be ever in our presence throughout the week. Reminding us of His power and His authority in our lives. Today's will be as simple as "Urgency." I keep hearing God say the time is urgent. It's been about 3 months ago now. I was trying to make sense of some of the scriptures I had heard at various times in my day. They were'nt scriptures that I was randomly thinking about. But in the midst of my daily activities I heard them clear as day. ALL of them are talking about end times events. Something no one wants to hear about let alone hear from God. My thoughts are/were why do you keep giving me these? Why do you keep leading me in this way? What purpose do I have in that? After talking to a friend and mentioning this she began praying for me. Ironically she said that she felt like God was saying I was to be a watchman. I'm sorry to say that I took her comment with a grain of salt. Didn't really think much more about it. Like what was a "watchman" supposed to mean anyway? But God in his sense of humor or perhaps in his sense of urgency, started leading me to all kinds of scriptures with watchman. Trust me I wasn't looking for them. I was laying in bed one night and I heard Ezekiel 33. Of course out of my curiosity I got up and opened my bible to Ezekiel 33, only to find that it is all about the watchman. And how the watchman will be held accountable if they do not do what God asks of them. YIKES. And then this sunday, please forgive me Tim. But as Tim was preaching out of John 10 he always gives us some context to go with the scripture that he is focusing on. As he began to read John 10 he got to verse 2 & 3 "The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice." That last verse jumped off the pages at me. I have read John time and time again. WHY had I never seen watchman before? Why now? I do feel His urgency, but really don't feel equipped to manage the call. In our flesh we are so afraid of being wrong that it often keeps us from stepping out and doing what God has asked. As I was doing my study in Esther for class this week. I read in chapter 4:14 "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place BUT you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Nothing in me wants to be the fool. But everything in me says I have less to lose by being faithful to what I am hearing. Ezekiel 33: 6 "But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet to warn the people and the sword comes and takes the life of ONE OF THEM that man will be taken away because of his sin, but I will hold the watchman accountable for his blood." I know that all God is asking me is to be the watchman to stand at the gate and OPEN the gate for Him to enter. There are so many lives at stake, their all dying from deadly diseases, cancer, AID's, strokes, heart attacks and viruses. And me being the medical person that I am seek to save their lives from all their medical issues. BUT yet there is a world dying without HOPE and yet I do nothing? Why do I fear rejection for merely trying to save their eternal life but have no qualms about saving their physical life? Help me Lord, I fail you so much. Speak....your servant is listening.

Ninty Nine Percent...

2009-02-16T16:06:00.000-08:00

I was shocked...no, more amazed...perhaps appauled, at what I heard the other day. Ninty-nine percent of people polled when given the option of staying here or going to heaven, right now....said, they would chose to stay here! WHAT? Now, I am a nurse. I have dedicated my life to the betterment of others lives. And in that.... my duty, my obligation is to at all cost save your life, unless you have a document that specifically prohibts me from doing such. My worse fear came true, about a year ago. One of my favorite patients whom I had taken care of numerous times had told me of being ready to go home. As a matter of fact I was there as he filled out his living will instructing us to NOT bring him back to this world in event that his heart would stop. I had grown quite close to him, he had just turned ninty and he was a very young an energetic ninty, always so appreciative of his nurse help, always with a warm smile and something pleasant to say. I had learned in our many conversations that he and my grandfather had been playmates as children. Which made my connection with him ever more close. So you can imagine my horror when the ER calls a code one night. My shift was actually getting ready to end. I volunteered to go down and assist in the code. Most of you that have never been in a situation where someones heart stops and we begin resuscitation don't know that the abdomen often blows up very large due to our ventilations, the head and face can become so blue to purple the person is often unrecognizable. As a matter of fact in the rush of the moment and doing what comes natural I hadn't even noticed WHO we were actually working on. As someone in the ER says his name.....my hearts jumps in my chest....and I begin to tell them to STOP. He did not want this, he wanted to go peacefully into his saviors arms, he didn't want someone sticking tubes down him, beating on his chest, shocking him and sticking him with needles. NO ONE would stop. They wanted to see his paperwork saying such. I was horrified that this man I assured would not have to go through this was now being put through literal HELL. Finally one of his sons arrived and was able to get them to stop. Why do we fight so hard for this life? Why do we place SO much value on our earthly life? Do we fail to see...this is not what we were created for. We were created for relationship with God. We were created to dwell someday with him in paradise. Revelation 21 & 22 "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God. The wall was made of jasper and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain. Everything will be made new." Does this really sound like something that we are willing to sacrifice for THIS life. Is this life of so much value to us that we will continue on with our pain, our suffering, our tears, our hardships, our days of uncertainty. I have a living will. I am only 38 years old. My nurse friends struggle with my decision. But I ask them, "if I was leaving for Jamaica tomorrow, would you try and stop me?," over and over again they say "No, way." I say to them "I am going to a place that is Jamaica TEN times over, don't stop me." Oh the day that I get to walk down those streets of gold and I get to gaze with wonder at water so clear that you have to touch it to make sure that it is even there. Don't get me wrong. I value what life God has given me here. I find such beauty in the things He has shown me thus far....but this life is not something that I cling to. On the day that I go home, I truly expect a party from those that I have left behind. If only I could give them just a glimpse of what I will be seeing. Oh what a glorious day that will be. I guess you could count me in the 1%.

Accountability as a Shepherd....

2009-02-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

Don't usually post an image this large, but in order to see the fine detail of a single lost sheep, you almost have to look very close to see it. As I was studying yesterday my studies somehow led me to Ezekiel 33... Ezekiel 33 holds us very accountable as shepherds. I think we all would like to think that only our pastors will be held accountable as a shepherd....but in all reality as a Christ-follower we all have been appointed to shepherd the flock (the lost). And we too will be held accountable for what we do or do not...do. Ezekiel 34 says "woe to the Shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock?" It goes on to say in vs 5 "so they were scattered because there was no shepherd." As we see the signs of the times surrounding us, we should be ever more aggressive in tending to the sheep, but it seems the average church today fails so much in doing so. The verses in between are to convicting to us. Ezekiel 34: 3-4 says..."You eat the curds, clothe yourself with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally." The average church is so good at turning away the lost. I heard somewhere the other day that Ghandi actually had made a decision to turn his life over to Christianity from Buddhism but on the very night that he was going to do such....he entered the church ready to listen to the message and meet with the pastor after the service...but upon his entering the front door he was immediately informed that he was not welcome there because of his faith. WHAT did they know of his faith? They only knew what they assumed and by their assumption...Ghandi never came to a relationship with Christ. I am so blessed to be a part of a church that believes in the fact that we are all sinners saved by grace. We have nothing to offer but everything to give. We welcome those that have fallen, as we have been flat on our faces before...we know that pain too well. We embrace the brokenhearted...as our hearts to have been broken. We do not seek out an individuals sin....as it is not ours to judge, we embrace them for who they are in Christ...a sheep without a shepherd. As we go out today, may we see the urgency in the world, may we see the signs and may we not just see people may we see sheep....lost sheep looking for a shepherd. May we lead those very sheep to the rest of the flock. We will be held accountable for all the ones that we lose along the way. Help me Lord to see the sheep that you send my way.

How Great Is Our God!

2009-02-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

After much discouragement about work situations and lack there of. I knew I had to give it over to God and get out of His way. He reminded me that his plan was to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. But I didn't see the picture that He was seeing. If only we could stand where He stands and see things unfold as He had planned. He takes us to the end of our means and then says...."Are you now ready for me to take over?" On Friday evening before we went to bed I had wrote in red lipstick on our bathroom mirror..."How Great Is Our God!" I wanted Him to know that despite what seemed like a desperate situation in our lives that I would continue to praise Him in the storm. After writing that we went to bed. For some reason I didn't go right to sleep and at 10:30 that very same night the first of many phone calls came in. And thus has begun over 50 hours of work since Saturday morning alone. It was Tuesday morning I believe when the hospital called yet again and asked me to come in and work. I stepped out of the shower to have Bill standing there pointing at the mirror saying, "you wrote that right, NOW, How Great Is Your God." He laughed as he said maybe you should have left off the exclamation point. I am so blessed by our God. He is Great....He has already done so much in our lives and so much in the lives of our family, that He could have done nothing more and I would still continue to praise Him. James 1 says to "Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perservance must finish its work so that you may be mature and COMPLETE, not lacking anything. But James also goes on to say that we must believe when we ask and not doubt. I never doubted that God would provide.....but I just didn't know His timing and the blessings of His gift. The next years won't be easy in the world that we are now living in....but we need to hold strong in our faith and not lose heart. We indeed have a GREAT GOD!

A Royal Wedding.....

2009-02-09T17:33:00.001-08:00

Its the anticipation of every woman....the day that she walks down the isle to the man she has waited her whole life for. The man that promises her, his devoted love. The day has long been awaited. Preparations have been taking place for months, the bride wants her bridegroom to never forget the essence of her beauty as the doors open and he takes his first look at his future wife. All stand and for that moment she has escaped into a fairy tale, as she walks that isle it couldn't be long enough for her to savor the moment or short enough for her to arrive there with him. Her bridegroom he so eloquent, he is a picture of perfection. In her eyes he is all that matters and all that exists.....for that moment.

We are that bride......Christ is the bridegroom. He has gone before us to prepare the wedding feast. I think of the day that he calls his bride home. I wonder how long that isle will be, will the rose petals be so thick that you can't even see the floor beneath them. Will the scent of roses fill the air. Will the music be BOLD, yet beautiful. Will there be resounding trumpets announcing the arrival of the bride to meet her bridegroom. He came as a servant and yet He still receives us with a servant heart. He doesn't make the wedding about Him.....He stands in silence at the end of the isle awaiting His lovely bride. He shows off the beauty of her grace that only He could provide, He shows off the brilliance of life in her....as only He could place there.

The feast has yet to begin....the wedding has yet to take place....but the bridegroom awaits. And the day will be the most beautiful wedding story ever told.

Accountablility....

2009-02-08T14:41:00.000-08:00

Tim's message this morning really had me thinking. Point three in his "Put Me in Coach," series spoke of "our" accountability for our redemptive potential. God has a plan for each of our lives......a purpose if you will. We will be held accountable for the "purpose" or the "gift" that God has given us. I heard a pastor once say that he was so glad that God doesn't still speak in an audible voice. Can you imagine the accountability we would have in that. In Judges 6 God sends an angel to deliver His word to Gideon. The angel told Gideon, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior." But Gideon said to the angel "if the Lord is with us, then why has all this happened to us?" The Lord then said to him to "go in the strength that you have, Am I not sending you!" Again Gideon questions God and the Lord told him "I will be with you."

We live in a tough world today....everything around us seems out of control. I find it hard some days to maintain focus...to NOT be conformed to this world....but be transformed by it. Romans 12. I think this is a crucial time to for Christ followers to draw close to God, to be in His word with more depth and more breadth. To ask.....and then take time to listen. His voice may not be audible....but I still hear it, I still feel it. And though everything else seems to be in chaos I know that He has it all worked out. I was listening to a pastor the other day that posed the question. What are you afraid of?.........The worst thing that could happen in your life is you could die. Or maybe that's not even the worst.....maybe that will be the best thing....heaven awaits us. So what are we worried about. And what substantiates our worry.

Now just in God's conversation with Gideon alone, I think I would have fell flat on my face. Wouldn't we all die to hear an audible word from our Lord. We wouldn't have to question whether it was him or whether it was us. We wouldn't wonder what His will was. HE SPOKE IT!!! They had no doubt what God wanted to accomplish in and through them. Now we have to have faith in what God is telling us. Why did they question God.....for Pete's sake.....there's an angel standing before them. What were they thinking......or what were they NOT thinking. I think that would hold me pretty accountable. Yet we are no less accountable today. But Lord I could sure use an angel.....if you got one to spare.

You Are My Strong Tower.....

2009-02-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a rather down week for the past few weeks for me. Never in my career have I ever had trouble finding work. I have put in over 15 applications. And I seem to get no answers, or I hear we are working on it. Something that looks promising turns into a week of back and forth phone calls, that seems to have gotten me no further than when I first began. I find myself wandering how this will all work. I have to keep reminding myself that God works for the good of those who love him. I know He has a plan for me.....but our fleshly patience begins to wear thin. I continue to praise Him in this storm and I know that He has never abandoned me nor forsaken me. I know that his plan is to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future. And that even when I don't see it He is working all around me. I see the stress of me not working is placing on my husband and his need to provide for his family and knowing that I can't lift this load. I keep laying it down at Jesus feet, but soon pick it back up again as fear and doubt creep back in. Lord help me. I do believe. I do trust that you will provide, help me to lay it at your feet and leave it there. I have no other choice. You Lord are my strong tower, even in these storms of life.

The Fragrance of a Father...

2009-02-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

I remember having this dream....its been years ago now, but in my dream I was walking through fields of fragrant flowers. The colors were the most vivid colors I had ever seen. Each species of flower were in fields of there own....yellows, reds, vibrant purple and blues. It was as though I had just entered heaven. It was one of those dreams that was so peaceful, so breathtaking that you never wanted to wake up from. Fragrance does something to the senses. They say that our minds remember more from our sense of smell than any other sense that we have. I believe that. I think about some of my most favorite smells and the memories that they conjure up in me. Like the smell of my grandfathers pipe as I entered their house. The smell of fresh cut grass after a heavy dew. The smell of rain before it even begins. The smell of my husband as I hug him. I think that one really touches me the most, as it is the first thing that Morgan and I do when he gets home from work at night. We both give him a hug and his scent lingers. I recall my husband wrapping me in his arms one day and began to inhale deeply with his nose pressed to my neck. Of all the things that he has done in our marriage....for some reason this has meant the most to me. It was one of those inhalations that said I don't ever want to forget how you smell and I want to inhale so deeply so that your memory will linger forever. I wonder about heaven, what will it smell like, what will God smell like. In my imagination I think it will be much like that moment with my husband. I think that I will inhale so deeply that his scent will become so much a part of me. I can only imagine that His fragrance will be greater than any field of flowers, any fresh rain or any of my favorite smells.

God and GPS.....

2009-02-03T17:41:00.000-08:00

You ever thought about God being alot like our GPS units. I wander what we ever did without it. Oh, yes....I remember now, it was called a map. Putting a finger here and putting a finger there and then figuring out the most appropriate route to get from point A to point B. Now everywhere we travel we have this obnoxious woman telling us to turn right here, or turn left. Sometimes I even wonder if she really has a clue at where she is taking us and how to get us there. I wonder how Gods GPS would look or what voice would he use. Maybe He would use the real cool british accent guy telling us to take the next right and take the motorway....doubtful though. Just like our GPS.....God has planned out our trip long before we even dreamt of taking one. Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Can you imagine the global positioning system that God has. He knew me before I was even born, He had plans for me even before He formed me. I can see a military strategy board and my peg is up there somewhere marked on a specific spot, for a specific moment, assigned to a specific task. My task if I accept to take it is to focus in on what God is telling me and the route that I should take to accomplish this task. Scripture tells us not to turn to the left or turn to the right. But so many times....I don't know about you...but I get afraid of taking any step just in case it happens to veer one way or another. Lord keep me on the right path . Now where is that lady telling me which way to go again. Maybe she's not so obnoxious after all...

Searching for Life In All The Wrong Places...

2009-02-02T18:16:00.000-08:00

I find it funny how you can go into a book store and find isles and isles of self-help books. Books on how to find your life, how to keep your life, what direction to take with your life....and the list goes on and on. People pay counselors, psychiatrists, buy magazines...all searching for the purpose that they feel but can't seem to find. When the whole time scripture is choked full of EXACTLY God's plan for our lives. I think it is so amazing that I can read scripture and a certain scripture just jump off the page at me, but may not mean anything to someone else. I think the reason for that is that my calling...my purpose, is so different than yours. A scripture that speaks into your life may mean little to me. God has wrote a book that give direction to ALL. I wonder if people really new that their answers to all of life's questions were buried in their back yard wouldn't they stop everything they were doing, get out their shovel and start digging with such anticipation of what they would find....that nothing could stop them. Yet....we have that treasure. Our story is embedded in a book. It does require some digging...but when you find it....its like striking gold. It's better than any material wealth can provide. I am so excited to dig in and find more of my story wrote along side the great cloud of witnesses that have went before me.

Limited Perspective....

2009-02-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

This morning was one of those epiphany moments. Waking up with a bad headache and sore throat I opted for the tylenol and an ice pack to head back to bed. I hate missing church...to me its like attempting to drive through the week on a tank thats half filled. So as I lay in bed I decide to try to find a service on the television that I can still get a message for this morning. Much to my surprise God gave me a message that wasn't delivered by any pastor, nor by any worship....as a matter of fact in spite of preaching and music. As I began to watch this church service I felt this overwhelming since of the fact that we do church....but do we really do church. WHAT? As I watched people worshiping, the pastor preaching and all the things of a typical sunday morning, I wandered what our weeks look like. We attend Church on Sunday, but what about the rest of our week. I felt this overwhelming since of the disciples giving up everything that they knew as real.....jobs, homes, families...to go OUT to the world preaching, teaching and baptizing in the name of Jesus. What are we doing during a typical week-in the name of Jesus. Most of us are tending to the everyday tasks of jobs, homemakers, husbands, wives, moms and dads. If we're doing church than why is there so many wandering around today looking for more. If we are living our faith why aren't they beating down our doors to ask us about what we have that they don't. Obviously, they aren't seeing much different in us than they see in themselves. I can tell somebody I go to church....but I would rather they look at me and say "there's just something different" and I want them to desire what I have. But I fail. I do church.....but all too often I fail to DO CHURCH. Lord, help me with my limited perspective. Help me to live everyday with a hope that only comes from you, a joy that only you can provide, a love that sees beyond my vision.....help me to live as if you really called me...because you have. Forgive my limited perspective.

May I Be Your Servant....

2009-01-31T18:52:00.000-08:00

Lord...you call us to be servants, but the world wants to teach us anything but servanthood. We live in an all about me society. We are inundated with television, billboards, magazines, books that tell us that if its not about us that something has went strangely array. We slowly start to fade away from our calling into a world that slowly sucks the life out of us. It's time as Christ.-followers to stand up for the victory that has already been won. He calls us not because of our abilities...but despite our abilities. He is essentially saying that "You can be strong and courageous because I am with you. Victory isn't about your abilities, your strength, your skill, your armor, your gifts, or your dedication: it has to do with my presence. You can be strong, BECAUSE I will be strong in you." I know that in a world of uncertainty I find solice in the fact that I am not able to fulfill His calling....but he is able to complete His calling in and through me...through His ability not mine. We see all of our flaws, all of our weaknesses....but He sees what He has created us to be. I wish I could see the same picture of me that He sees. For He sees me so different than I do. I see a heart that wants to be used, a heart that wants so much to make him proud....He sees a heart that He is already proud of...and I didn't even have to do anything to earn it. Genesis 1:31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. I find so much joy in the fact that everything that He created he spoke into existence....but Genesis 2: 7 "the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life." Do we comprehend that? Do we comprehend that everything else God spoke into existence, but when it came to man, He formed us, sculpting us and then He breathed the breath of life into us. To me that says that He touched me and then his lips touched mine as they breathed the breath of life into me. I have been created for such a time as this. He has called me to serve and I will rise to the call.

So Are The Days of Our Lives...

2009-01-30T17:49:00.000-08:00

Gosh, who could forget that old soap opera, Days of Our Lives. Perhaps its still on, and Bo Brady and Roman Brady are still confused about who they are. Isn't it funny how you can watch a soap opera and not see it for years and you turn it on again and the same things are happening today that happened 5, 10 even 20 years ago. Life seems to be alot like that. I wonder if its because we didn't get the lesson learned the first time around. I read scripture and I find it interesting to read that what is happening today, happened back in biblical times. Life just seems to go through the same processes over and over again. We live, we learn, we don't learn so we do it again until we do learn. So are the days of our lives. Our days are numbered...our time to make an impact for the name of Jesus draws shorter with each passing day. I think that we all should have a slow moving hourglass to see everyday....so that we get a constant reminder that time is running out. And what are we doing with that precious gift of time.

Lord Help Us.....

2009-01-28T20:26:00.000-08:00

In Daniel 10, Daniel had a vision and in this vision "A hand touched me and set me trembling on my hands and knees. He said, 'Daniel, you who are highly esteemed, consider carefully the words I am about to speak to you, and stand up, for I have now been sent to you." And when he said this to me, I stood up trembling. Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard and I have come in response to them.

It's the next part of that story that really had me thinking. It goes on to say "But" the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. It took twenty-one days of spiritual warfare for the angel to get to Daniel after his plea for help. Do you know that "plea or plead" is mentioned 12 times alone in the book of Daniel. And that there are only 12 chapters in the book of Daniel.

We fail to see the war that is being waged because of our prayers....and once our prayers are answered we soon forget the answerer of our prayers. I'm reminded of a similiar story in 2 Kings 6, where Elisha and his servant are surrounded by an army. As the servant panics, Elisha is calm and says to the servant, "don't be afraid, those that are with us are more than those who are with them." Just to give you the gest of the story.....it was only Elisha and his servant....as far as the servant knew. But because of Elisha's faith and prayers, God had sent an army that filled the hills with horses and chariots. And Elisha prayed to God that the eyes of his servant be open, so that he may see. And when the Lord opened the servants eyes....he saw that the army of the Lord was far greater than the number that had surrounded them.

We see a world that seems to be outnumbered by an army of terroists, economic failures, political corruption, and uncertainties......but yet I think we fail to see the vast army that God has sent to fight for his believers. Open our eyes Lord...help us to see.

He Must Become Greater....

2009-01-27T19:56:00.000-08:00

He must become greater, I must become less. That was from John the Baptist, after the
disciples came to him in confusion about Jesus baptizing. John recognized that we must become less for Jesus to become more. That reminded me of Jesus teaching to the disciples saying "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." In both teachings Jesus was saying...that we...we must become less....so He can become more. The innocence of a child is so mesmerizing. I don't think I noticed it as much when our own daughter was little, but I notice more as I get older. I think the busyness of being a parent sometimes blinds us to the beauty of such. I remember my own little one, crawling into bed with me when she was not yet 3, I was still asleep when she peels open my eyelid with her little fingers....she looks as close as a 3 year old can...and says "are you in there mommy." The sleepliness of the moment soon left me as I began to laugh.... "Are you in there?" I've never forgotten that moment. I wish those moments were here again. What things would I change? Would I have seen less of me and more of her? I wonder does God sometimes crawl into bed with us peeling back our eyelids asking...."Am I in there?" May I become less.....so that you may become more. And when you peel back my eyelid....may you never have to ask "Am I in there?".....may you see yourself in my eyes.

Lord If It's You.......

2009-01-26T18:07:00.000-08:00

Matthew 14:28 Lord, if its you.....tell me to come to you on the water. And Jesus said "Come." Then Peter got down out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. BUT when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out "Lord, save me." Why is it that we question God's ability in our life, why do we question IF it is God. Notice that Peter said "if" its you. Now...I'm thinking...who else would be walking on water?? If I were out in a boat somewhere today and somebody was walking towards me on the water....I'm thinking that I wouldn't even be questioning who it was, let alone whether I could walk out to Him if He called me. I think that I would be bailing out of the boat before He even called me to "come." But doesn't He do that every day. He calls us to get out of the boat, to trust Him that what He calls us to do, is obviously not something that we could do of ourselves. But only through His calling. The reason He called Peter out wasn't to show how powerful He was....it was for Peter.....it was to test his faith in what the Lord said he could do. "Peter....come to me." But Peter lost focus and he began to sink as he took his focus off the Lord. And the Lord said "you of little faith...why did you doubt me?" I think about the many times God has called me out of that boat. At first I am so focused on Him, but soon the winds of doubt blow and I begin to sink. But He never lets me sink to far....before he holds out His hand to pull me back up. Help me Lord to have faith....that even when I get distracted by life...that you're hand is there to pull me back up again. Lord I want to walk to you.....help me to focus Lord.

Gods Significance.....Our Insignificance

2009-01-25T17:17:00.000-08:00

What a message this morning. I have heard Louie Giglio speak numerous times and every time it is like hearing him for the first time over and over again. I think the thing I took most out of Louie's message was our insignificance....really...we are truly insignificant in this vast world that God spoke into existence. And even more profound to me was that by HIS breath then the stars were formed. BY HIS BREATH. What power, what majesty. That even his breath could create such beauty. The thought had occured to me this past week as we were preparing for the womens conference that God really doesn't need us.......He desires us.....He desires for us to participate with Him in his work....but He doesn't need us. If we are unwilling to carry out the mission that He has gifted to us, we are the ones that miss out...not Him. He will use someone else to accomplish His plan. Do we really believe that if we refuse to carry out His plans, that his plans will just be twarted....Psalms 103:15-16 As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. I remember so well the day of my grandfathers funeral. My grandfather was a true man of God...humble and gentle. I never once heard my grandfather raise his voice or say a bad word about anyone. His nature was that of a true servant....but on the day of his funeral...as that hearse pulled out of the church parking lot, I fully expected the world to stand still for this man. Did they not know who he was. What influence he had in his life....at least in my life. As the world continued on....I realized that our influence as limited as it is, is still insignificant to the world as a whole. Todays message gave me an even greater awareness that we are simply a speck in a world that was spoke into being....we are simply a flower that will soon blow over and be gone. We truly are insignificant in the light of His significance.

It's Here....Amazing Grace

2009-01-23T06:22:00.000-08:00

It's finally here!! After months of planning, preparation and implementation the day has finally arrived. Tonight is the opening night for Amazing Grace...the legacy. I am so proud of all the hard work and dedication so many have put in to this event. Many days I felt that God should have chose someone different to lead this group, that I was just really not what He was looking for. This morning I get up to a letter from our daughter, telling me that God choose to use me and that "I was brought here for such a time as this". That's from Esther, I know that line very well, as I hear it alot in my studies. Morgan did not know that. I get very nervous right about now. I am not a public speaker. Not that I am speaking much, but enough for me. I like to be behind the scenes, seeing everyone else rise to their potential. But her letter, gave me the strength to remember....its not I that speaks...but HIM...that speaks through me. We are so blessed to have her in our life. My prayers have already started this morning. It will definately be one of those days that the conversation between Him and I will just be ongoing. The funny thing is though, then when I sit down to do a concentrated prayer, I won't know what to say to Him. Kind of like talking to a friend all day and then sitting down face to face for a conversation. What do we say now. We've talked all day. May your grace overflow tonight father. May this be all of you and none of us. Remove us from the picture. You don't need us. We need you. Bless each woman that attends open their hearts to worship you and accept a word from you. Bless the men that will be there tonight for their service and their support. Help us Lord to serve you....and to serve you well.

Amazing Grace...how sweet the sound...that saved a wretch like me,

I once was lost, but now I'm found.

Was blind, but now I see...

How precious did that Grace appear, the hour I first believed.

I love you Lord!

Gods.......Opinion?

2009-01-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

We say we want to hear from God, we say we want to be in his will....but do our actions speak as loud as our words. I thought about this today. I thought about the first time that God spoke to Samuel in 1 Samuel 3, three different times Samuel hears his name called "Samuel...... Samuel,......Samuel" (vs 4, 6 & 8). All three times Samuel got up and went to his mentor and said "Here I am, you called me," thinking that it was Eli that was calling. All three times Eli denied that it was him, but by the third time Eli realized that it was God calling out to Samuel and directed Samuel to return to his mat and the next time that he heard God call his name...he was to say "Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening." Samuel did as Eli instructed and in vs 10 scripture says that The LORD came and stood there, calling as at other times, Samuel! Samuel! And at this Samuel did as he was instructed and said "Speak, for your servant is listening. AND God spoke!!

We invite him to speak, yet we don't allow him enough time to do so. Don't begin to think that the devils not in the details, the busier he can keep us.....the less time WE have to hear God's voice. And many times we only think to ask God to speak when we only have a question to ask? We want him to speak to our questions, but He wants to speak to our WHOLE lives. God's not into giving his OPINIONS. Do I want his will....or do I want his opinion. Did you notice the humble stature of Samuel, although he was only a boy when God first spoke, Samuel says "your servant," is listening. If we want to get centered in our life its time for us to get out of the center. God's speaking....but are we taking the time to listen? Are we asking as a servant , with a servant's heart...God's still speaking if only we can silence the rest of the noise. In 1 Kings 19 Elijah is running in fear of his life (might I add, right after God showed Himself in the fire on Mount Carmel), Elijah finds himself hiding in a cave. When a great and powerful wind came....but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind was an earthquake....but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake was a fire....but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. A gentle whisper....what if Elijah had not been listening....what if we're not listening? How many winds, earthquakes and fires have already come...followed by the gentle whisper....I have never left you...nor forsaken you.

What Legacy Are You Leaving....

2009-01-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

Yes....for those of you that don't know...this is our grandson, Matthan. On the day that he arrived in this world I remember wandering what legacy he would leave. His name is taken from the 1st chapter of Matthew, from the genealogy of Jesus. Joseph the husband of Mary, Jacob the father of Joseph and Matthan the father of Jacob. What a legacy.....we watch as he begins to grow into the man that God created him to be. He's so small now, soon to be 2 and his little life is only beginning. But his story is taking shape already. If only we could turn back the hands of time....if only we could of archived each step of the journey.

We are putting the final touches on the Women's Conference Amazing Grace.....the Legacy for the upcoming weekend. Talks have been prepared and re-arranged by God at the last minute-He seems to be good at that, breakout sessions are completed, decorations prepared, food picked up, budgets complete.....all that goes into planning has now came to an end, but yet its really only the beginning for what God is wanting to accomplish. It began last year shortly after last years conference..we were in a worship service and we were singing Amazing Grace. Morgan looked around and looked at me and said, "that it mom...that's the theme for next year....Amazing Grace," what she noticed as she glanced across the sanctuary was the passion of every generation that was represented singing with all that they had in unison to one song.....a song that has spoken to generation after generation. Thus came the legacy. And what legacy are we leaving to the next generation. What song are we giving them to sing. What do they see in us that they want to pass down to their children and their childrens' children. This generation has so many more hardships to overcome than you and I ever dreamt of. We played in the streets, rode our bikes at night, played until dark, made mud pies, went to school without the worries of abduction, abuse, drugs, gang violence and school shootings.

We will have to fight against a world today....filled with anger, frustration and abandonment to leave a legacy that they will not forget. Few children get the opportunity to receive a legacy worth fighting for. May this be a generation that returns to the Lord. May we be a generation that cries out to the Lord for grace and mercy. May we be a generation that receives the legacy that He has left for us.

What Legacy Are you Leaving?

The Gifts.....

2009-01-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

I am so excited.....I love getting gifts. Who doesn't. The holidays are past, its not my birthday, and Valentines isn't even here yet. But yet there are gifts everywhere. What....you don't see them? They are here, but many times we just look right past them, failing to see what is right in front of our eyes, even refusing to take them when they are offered to us. I had read a book once that talked about that very thing. There was a man that stood at the pearly gates of heaven and as he was entering in, he asked Peter, "What is in the big warehouse over there?" Peter says "you can't see that yet." As the tour of heaven began, the man couldn't concentrate on anything else, but what was in that warehouse.....what could God possibly be keeping in such a big building....the mere size of it was unfathomable. As Peter completes his tour the man could not contain his curiousity any longer and began to run to the warehouse, he threw open the door and stood in amazement. There were presents everywhere, stacked from floor to ceiling, row after row after row. He looks at Peter with bewilderment and says "I don't understand, what's with all these presents?" Peter responds to the man, "you were not supposed to see them." The man in confusion begins to wander down the rows, until he notices his name on the tags and as he looks around, they all have his name on the tags. He begins to weep and again looks at Peter and says, "all these are for me?" Peter responds "NO, all these WERE for you, these are the ones that God tried to give you but you failed to receive." At this the man fell to his knees weeping even harder. "How did I not see, how did I not know, why did I not accept all that God wanted to give me."

I think of that story often and its been years since I've read that book. What gifts is God trying to give me today? What will I have missed, if my heart and my mind are not ready to receive. Whose life could have been transformed......maybe even mine, had I stood with my arms open ready to receive what God wanted to give me. God's ready to rain down his blessings...his gifts.... its all in whether we are ready and willing to receive them. I don't want to miss one present, NOT one gift from God. I want to get to Heaven and God say.....you received well....and you gave well. I want to arrive in heaven with all my gifts opened and received. Thank you Lord....for the gifts.

Dark Night of the Soul.....

2009-01-17T17:17:00.000-08:00

So much of the Christian walk gets missed. I had attended a conference a number of years ago, on The Art of Hearing God. During our weekend we had a session on the Dark Night of the Soul. As new christians nobody tells us of these dark nights and dark dreary days that will come. It is in those days, those weeks and sometimes even those months that we may dare even say....that God has abandoned us, at least thats what we feel. I experienced that a few years after I began an extensive growing of my faith. I wondered what I had done wrong, was it something I said, was it something I questioned.....or was it just me....did he not want a relationship with me. WHY? The questions went unanswered for months, my prayers seem like they were hitting the ceiling. I heard nothing, I felt nothing....the closeness of the months prior to that had faded into darkness. What was happening. I had heard about it, but like most people I thought it would never happen to me. I felt so discouraged I felt so disappointed...not in him, but in me. Had I failed him. Had he moved on to use someone else. It was in those days that I found it even hard to open my bible, hard to even pray....but somehow through His strength I made it through. I found that my prayers were really heard and that the answered prayers came not when I wanted them, but when He had appointed them for. It's funny how our time line and His are so different, and I thank God for that. I think of some the prayers and had they been answered in the way that I felt they should could have led to much different circumstances in my life. And that I see now how He is using those days in my life, the good, the bad, the dark and the light to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will for my life. Scripture tells us that He will never abandon us, but I wonder if sometimes He doesn't draw back so that we seek Him out more. I see now how my faith in Him has grown through that experience. So when those days come....don't give up...don't quit..I'm sure Jesus felt so similiar as he prayed in the garden...enough so that he sweat drops of blood in His desperate cry for God to hear him....but this.....this to shall pass.

Illumination.....

2009-01-15T19:09:00.000-08:00

As I was preparing for the Amazing Grace conference today, I was short a few oil lanterns for the table decor, so I made a quick trip to the antique mall....not really thinking that a trip to the antique mall could make for a God stop today. As I began to pray this evening what God wanted me to write about I heard "your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105 I thought about that lamp....and about the many times that we get up in the night and attempt to find our way in the dark.....even the smallest fliker of a flame...can illuminate the way. Isn't God alot like that flame, He often gives us only enough light to take one step at a time. Davids Psalms were choked full of wonder, times of distress and times of praise. God never promised us that it would be easy....He just promises us that we won't do it alone. For me His word is a lamp unto my feet....its like reading that old love letter over and over again. I remember the first time I began to really read the Old Testament...I was so lost...honestly...I was so bored, BUT, then after I came to know and understand the New Testament could I go back and now not only appreciate the Old Testament but hold it so dear to my heart. I SEE now, I was wondering around in the dark, until He illuminated my way. Now I see the prophesies that the prophets foretold. Now...I can read 1st Peter and know that Isaiah had told about some of the very things that Isaiah had prophesied about. I can't tell you the excitement that comes from knowing that the prophets of Old had told of what was yet to come and then to read about it in the New Testament. Most people when asked who they want to talk to when they reach heaven would tell you...one of the disciples..for me...I can't wait to sit down with Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel at the feet of Jesus.

One of the Psalms that has spoken to me the most is Psalm 25:4-5 "Show me the right path, O Lord, point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." As the conference approaches my mind and my thoughts are so focused on the lives of those that will be attending....who needs the light....who needs the flame.....who needs the flicker to be fueled. Lord may we serve you....and may we serve you well. Be glorified...be glorified...be glorified..today.

Life....Like a Box of Chocolates....

2009-01-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

A box of chocolates......kind of bittersweet. You know you have to really study each one, of course without touching any of them, when all you really want to do is stick your finger in one just to see whats in there before you take a big bite of that dreaded piece that you just hate. Being the medical field it is not at all uncommon for us to receive a box of chocolates, so this really makes one think.....is life...really, like a box of chocolates, do we ever really know what we're gonna get.

As a Christian the answer is YES. We really do know what's in the middle. If we are true Christ-followers living in faith and not an empty religion than....we know that each chocolate that we take a bite of will be the sweetest chocolate we've ever tasted. There is no doubt in our minds whether we want to try it. We don't have to poke around and wonder whats in the middle we serve the great I AM. The center of the universe. The maker and creator of all things. Yesterday, tomorrow and today. Always...in ALL WAYS.

So the next time you open a box of chocolates.....just remember "Who's" inside not "what's" inside.

Missing Piece.....

2009-01-13T15:30:00.000-08:00

Have you ever spent hours constructing a masterpiece of a puzzle to find out that your missing the last piece? I thought about that today, our faith walk is alot like the piece of the puzzle thats missing. You see we think putting all the pieces of our life together to form this pretty completed puzzle is what we are called to do, but then we get to the end and find that we don't have the last piece. We become confused.....wait a minute, I quit swearing, I don't steal, cheat, drink, do drugs and I try my hardest to walk out my faith everyday.....now...where did I put that last piece? It's gotta be around here somewhere. I had all the pieces so neatly put away in the box. The box put neatly on the shelf and I always put it away as soon as I got done with it.

Ezekiel 34:4-5 "This is what the Soverign Lord says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do NOT take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered BECAUSE there was NO shepherd."

Perhaps.....that is why I can't find the last piece.....I've been looking in the wrong places. You see the missing piece isn't about us at all....its about them. It's about the lost..We as a body are incomplete without them.

A Fresh Word....

2009-01-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

Did I ever mention I hate this time of year.....No...well I do. You see in all of the seasons besides winter, I take a journey to prayer mountain (for those of you that don't know yet, its not a mountain, its our hill in the back 40) on the peak of this hill is a point where the face just seems to fall off, its a straight shot down the hill. The joke is you go out to pray....or you go out to jump. So far we've always came back alive. I've spent many an unclocked hour at prayer mountain, no watches, no cell phones, no electronic devices...don't everyone panic. It is surreal. It is as though you've been plucked from a world that seems to be spinning with activity to a place of complete and utter silence. The only noise is of the wind as it blows through the leaves, animals scurring around the woods and the voice of God. Wow, this is what makes the journey so worth it.....a fresh word....a time of reflection....a time of focus. We don't realize how the world clouds out our focus. Have you ever tried driving in a dense fog......and the road that you once thought you knew all of a sudden becomes new....different.....you begin to notice things that you had never noticed about it before. Why? Because our focus has become limited to the immediate.....to what is right in front of us, it has taken our focus off all the distractions that we would normally be focused on and focused us on the moment at hand. A day at prayer mountain is as good as a day in the fog.....all of a sudden the phone calls that need to be made, the laundry that needs to be done, the daily grind all fades away and the focus is on the only one that matters. Maybe its time for a few hours at the mountain.....

What If Today.....

2009-01-11T13:01:00.000-08:00

What if today......was the last day of the rest of your life? How do you really know that it isn't? And what exactly did you do with it? I've heard this said numerous times, one was from a pastor that said a semi in front of him had in big letters on its rear door.....what if today." Just as simple as that. Then turning on the TV today the history channel is having armaggedon week. They had interviewed people on the streets and said, "what would you do different if you knew the world was coming to an end. " DUH! Aren't we getting closer to the end every day, aren't the signs that are happening before our very eyes obvious of just that. But even more surprising were their answers. NONE, said making sure that their lost friends were saved, none of them even said they would make sure their families were saved. Oh, they did say they would spend more time with those families, but in reality what would that time buy them. Although I wasn't surprised to hear that none of them said they would work more hours to stash up more money or material things, I've been at the edge of too many death beds to know that is of no importance when you are taking your last breath. What guarantees our next breath. What guarantees that we have the opportunity to share the hope to which we are called.....tomorrow. What really is tomorrow? I believe God is placing His urgency on the hearts of many right now. I believe that the day is drawing near when we will have to give an account for ourselves and for the gifts that He has given us.....what did we do with those gifts. If your gift is serving......how are you serving, if its prophesying....are you using that in proportion to your faith, if it is teaching.....how are you teaching, if it is encouraging....in what way are you being an encourager, if it is leadership.....this is your time, lead, if it is giving......where are you giving, if is mercy....how are you showing mercy. Rom 12:6-8 I believe the time is at hand for us to be ever so diligent that we are here for a purpose, for a mission.....its time for us to stand up....accept the mission....and go therefore into the world. They need us.....and more important God WANTS them.

Are We Contagious.....

2009-01-09T18:01:00.001-08:00

You wouldn't think getting a cold would give you something to blog about. But today Bill and I both woke up with terrible colds so most of the day we've been assigned to our designated couches. Throughout the sneezing and coughing fits, I began to wonder if our faith was as contagious as our cold. Get within 5 ft of either of us and you may go home with something you hadn't anticipated walking away with. Is it the same with our faith, what contagious virus are we giving to people that we encounter. We didn't ask for colds....didn't even anticipate them coming on, but yet here they are. When I meet someone what am I giving them.....more than they anticipated or something more viral. I remember the movie Outbreak, where the whole community became infected with a deadly virus, it spread like wildfire. WHY? Because there was no innoculation, no cure and no treatment for such a viral disease. How's our faith rating on virility.....are we mildly contagious or are we something that can't be iradicated. I want to be highly contagious, I want someone to be within 30 ft of me and feel how viral I am. I want to know that what I have can never be cured, never be innoculated. To the common cold I say thank you.....for the day of reflection.

Perceived Wealth...or Perhaps Misperceived Wealth

2009-01-08T18:06:00.001-08:00

Had a great lunch with son David today. He had been in Peoria, Il for a Catepillar meeting so stopped through on his way back to Nasville, Tenn. We got talking about a website that he had shared with us, which showed that statistics are showing that if you make at least one hundred dollars a day that you are wealthier than fifty percent of the global population. We discussed our shock in those statistics and how we fail to see the struggles around us. But more so, how we fail to thank God everyday that we have a warm home, a hot shower, food in our refrigerators and food in our pantries. He had commented about his last pastor Rick Warren who had challenged them to go home and seal their bathrooms off, clean everything out of their pantries, except flour and rice, and to shut off their refrigerators, and to remove their windows and doors and then and only then could we appreciate how many people are living today with so little. Note that I said living. We see all these THINGS as life necessaties, but fail to see what really is truly necessary. We talked about how our employers make us feel that we are at the bottom of the mountain and that it is their goal for us to reach the top, when in all reality compared to the way most people have to survive we really are almost at the top, and don't even see it, because our blessings have been given so freely that we fail to see them. Worst yet, we don't see those that are climbing behind us that have lost their footing and may not make it up the moutain without our help. 2 Corinthians 9:6 says that "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously, Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. vs 11 goes on to say that "you will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your genersity will result in thanksgiving to God......we are wealthy. Not because of us but because of Him.

What's Your Story....

2009-01-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

What's your story......everybodies got a story. As I worked the other day, I couldn't help but wonder about their lives....most of them were in their ninties by now, but they weren't always ninty. What were their lives like....what exciting things had they accomplished in their lives, what story did they have to tell? The aboriginals from Australia make their boys go on a walkabout, because they know that life without a story isn't a life lived. How's our walkabout going? What story do we have to tell. What stories will we be able to tell?

I think that many of our stories are what kept us away from church to begin with. We felt that our sins, our shortcoming....our stories were enough to condemn us. So instead of going we avoided church like the plague. I didn't really think about this until I talked to a co-worker that attended our church for the first time this past sunday. I had the opportunity to share her enthusiasm for what she saw and what she felt from attending. She had commented that she had been in and out of churches but never really felt much. But when she came sunday....it was different. What's her story....probably not much different than yours or mine. A life of desiring and working for more in our life that finally led us to seek out more and find it in the local church.

I read the obituaries and I wonder what their stories were....in older times you didn't have to wonder. They would write that Joe Johnson died today of such things as consumption (no he hadn't been drinking-tuberculosis), dropsy (edema), and apoplexy (stroke) at his home in whereverville, along side of him at the time of his death was his devoted wife Kate, his children played in their rooms and they all had....had a large meal together prior to Joe's dying. I chuckle when I read them. One obituary had said that he just had finished a sandwich before he succumbed. Where have we lost the details of living.....have we forgotten that its the small things in our life that form who we are. It's the little things that can make our story big.....what seemingly insignificant, but yet significant detail will you add to your story today.

Sleepless Nights....

2009-01-06T19:32:00.001-08:00

Last night was one of those nights that sleep would just not come....and as you can imagine after me poking Bill a few times...just to see if he really wanted to sleep, I resorted to the laptop. I knew that our friend Andy had just done a youth conference with about 1400 youth attending and had posted it to his blogsite so I set out to see how it went. Much to my excitement it was on Isaiah 6. That is one of my favorite chapters, Yeah, I know I have alot of favorite chapters. The one thing that I was gifted with is seeing and imagining what things would look like, so to read this to me is like I am standing right there in the moment, I see it, I feel it and I experience it.....

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty the whole earth is full of his glory.

At the sound of their voices the doorposts shook and the temple was filled with smoke."

WOW! Can't you just imagine the imagery in that. God doesn't come on a small scale, BUT.....High and Exalted and the train of his robe filling a temple. Do you know how big a temple is....that is a train that would make any bride jealous. And above him were seraphs and the radiance of His glory was so bright that they could not bare to gaze upon Him. And the echoing of Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty....rings in my ears. It doesn't say that Isaiah fell to his knees but I can only imagine he had no other way he could go as we hear him say "woe to me, I am ruined, and I live amoung a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty." Guess I'll take a few sleepless nights for a sight such as this....

Isaiah 6

Warning....

2009-01-05T14:40:00.001-08:00

My walk today consisted of a path that I have taken many times before. Thanks to my dear husband and wonderful father-in-law I have a beautiful walking trail cut clear through all 80 acres of the two properties. My trip has never made me nervous before, why today. Perhaps it is because of the sounds of howls that come from the timber at night....the coyote's are so thick that we even had one sleeping in our yard in the middle of the morning one weekend. As I walked along I could see imprints in the mud of evidence that coyote's had been there prior to me. I found myself jumping at my own crumpling of leaves under my feet. I wondered why was there so much fear today when yesterday I walked without an ounce of fear........I answered my own question.....it was because I walked with my hero, my protector, the man that God gave me to look after me. He feels so big in my life. I don't know what I would expect him to do if one day a coyote decided to come at us...but I still have this sense of security with knowing he is with me.

Last year as I sat on the porch studying I looked up to see a fawn and its mother playing in the bottom. It was such an enthralling sight to see such innocence, with no awareness of the dangers that lurked in the world beyond the fun. The fawn knew it was secure, it had no worries of what could lie ahead. It reminded me of the security we have in God....when we don't tarry away from his watchful eye, he holds us close, he looks up at every rustle of leaves around us, making sure that no one or no thing harms his precious child. That night as Bill got home from work I found myself so anxious to take him down to the bottom to see if we could find the mother and her fawn. As we walked into the bottom and rounded the corner.....there we found him...the only things remaining where what the coyote didn't devour....the whole time the child played the coyote lurked around the corner, watching every move....just waiting for the opportunity... for him to wander away from the watchful eye of his mother. I believe our lives are alot like that fawn we do well while we stay close to the father and stay within his watchful eye, but what happens when we wander away....

1 Peter 5:8 "Be self-controlled and ALERT, your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." RESIST HIM, standing firm in the faith. Many times after a victory we let our guards down and that is when satan does his best to find the smallest entry in to destroy our very lives. Stand Firm Church, satan lurks looking for the moment that we step away.....Let us not give him that opportunity.

Window of Opportunity

2009-01-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

In a well delivered message there is always "bullet points," points that hit straight to the heart, straight to the marrow of your very being. But along with those messages are additives that give the message more body, make it more pallative. But sometimes those "additives" are more profound than the "bullet" itself. Tim's message was right to the heart this morning, a message that was so right on with how Gods moving today. But even more profound was the "window of opportunity" that we have been given..... in such a time as this. We can watch the world around us as it falls apart but as Tim said this morning, this IS the TIME for the CHURCH. How will they see us respond, how will they see us live differently. Will they begin to look for a greater hope than the economy, then the goverment, than their jobs. Where will they look? If we aren't living our lives daily with that hope.....why would they want too. Hebrews 6:7 says "Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed." In the end it will be burned. "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them."
The world know thorns.....and thistles, but do they know the fruits of our labor...joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal 5:22) What could 400 people do in a town of 9,000? Four hundred people consciously living out the hope...... could bring a whole community to Christ. And begin to change the way we know life. What will we as Christ followers do with this window of opportunity......
What kind of harvest will we see from the rain of opportunity this year?

Where do we go from here....

2009-01-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

Thats seems to be a good question in the world that we live today. All you have to do is listen to the news, open the newspaper or go to your local store. Is it just me or are we an "all about me" society. As I attempt to walk through the store I find myself just attempting to steer myself out of everyone's way. When did we become such a burden to one another, when did it become more important for us to get to the milk isle NOW, then to say, go ahead you first. I opened the door for an older couple today, they looked at me like I had lost my mind.....not in a bad way, but a way that clearly said to me...that nobody does that anymore. Then I wonder why our world is spiraling out of control. Perhaps it is because we have forgotten our purpose. It made me think of Paul saying in Romans that WE have been called, according to HIS purpose......and might I add FOR His purpose. When did we make it about our purpose? Do they see Jesus in us when we perform the small but simple task of opening a door, sending a card, cooking a meal....for the least of these. Let me remind us all that there are alot of "the least of these" out there today. They are not the poor as we would like to think....they are people just like you and me...but yet different. They don't know the hope to which we are called. Don't you think they wonder when someone does a kind act.....what or WHO was behind that act. PEOPLE, its time for us as Christ followers to shake the boat, rattle the waters and make some noise...some joyful noise, heaven knows the non-believers are making enough for all of us. What will people see when they see you.....hopefully not YOU. So where do we go......somewhere where very few go today....we show the world there is a better way, there is a world that's not about me.....and its glorious.

What time is it really?....

2009-01-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

On our drive home from N Carolina today...I happened to fall asleep somewhere along the way as we crossed from one time zone into the next. As we sat down for breakfast I asked Bill what time is it anyway? Good question.....he didn't seem to have the answer, not being sure exactly where the time even changes. What really is time that we are so mindful of it? The bible talks about the second coming of Christ and that we will not know the time or hour, that not even the angels know. I think I get it now. We wont' know because we are all still down here trying to figure out exactly what time it is. I talk to my aunt and uncle in Japan and its already tomorrow there. It kinda makes me laugh, because I always ask her....so how is tomorrow....just in case I want to skip it. Our friends in Australia sleep while we are awake, and we sleep while they are awake. It makes me think of the parable of the ten virgins in Matt 25. Ten virgins went out to await the bridegroom, all of them with their lamps, but only 5 took enough oil to await his return. As they await the bridegroom those that did not have enough oil left to go buy more, while they were out the bridegroom came. Those that were ready and prepared went into the wedding banquet with the bridegroom, those that weren't missed the wedding. So what time is it......it's time to make sure that our lamps are filled... that we have enough oil so that we don't miss the bridegroom on his return. Keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.

TIME....it's really not determined by our clocks.

2009...Lord move...or move me

2008-12-31T19:05:00.000-08:00

There is a song that says.....Lord move in a way that I have never seen before....because there's a moutain in the way and a lock on the door. So Lord move or....move me. The song puts on a whole new perspective as I sat here today and I was looking out at the mountains I recall Jesus telling them that if they had faith...even faith as small as a mustard seed "you can say to this mountain to move from here to there and it will move, nothing will be impossible with you." I look at all we have been through in 2008. It has been a tough year. But then I wonder if I would have taken authority over the victory and battle already won, and told "our mountain" to move from here to there, what would 2008 have looked like. Would it have taken on another perspective all together. 2009 is sure to hold all kinds of moutains of its own, the question is.....would I rather climb them...or just maybe MOVE them.

Happy 2009. And may the mountains in your life be moved or may God move you.

You just may be taking a walk....

2008-12-29T18:43:00.000-08:00

There is an old chinese proverb that says "if a man thinks he leading, but turns to find that no one is following.....than he is only taking a walk." Where are you with that? As Christ followers should he not turn to find us following along close behind. Should our tracks not mimic his, should we not be as a child searching out the footprint that he left before us and attempt to walk in that very step?

I had to laugh today. As I was walking from the farm house down to the horse barn....to my right was a single horse in a fenced area....to my left were two goats. As I began to walk by them, they scurried over to the fence and begin to follow me the whole way down to the barn. And then I began to wonder, why were they so motivated to follow me? I could sense their anticipation. The horse even began to trot in circles when he reached the end of his fence. The goats made all their naying noises that they could make. Why such anticipation.... It was because they knew who their keepers where, they knew that when they saw a person that they were going to be fed, that they were getting ready to receive life nourishment from their master.

Where did we miss this along the way. Most days are filled with one of those very moments that God invites us to follow him, on most days we miss it.....we have filled our to do list so full, our schedules so tight...that even following God gets lost in the shuffle. I blog not for your benefit....but for my benefit...because just like you I could very easily go through the day and have totally missed where God wanted me to go, what he wanted me to see. But my committing to this daily entry.....I focus daily on the blessings God wants me to recognize. How many times today has God tried to show you something...something so profound but yet so simple, that you didn't even take the time to notice..it's time to wake up, because I don't want Him to turn around on the day that He calls me home and find that I hadn't even been following. He isn't just taking a walk in my life....He is my life.

When the Spirit moves...

2008-12-28T18:44:00.000-08:00

Some of my most fondest memories are of my mother having me lay on the dining room floor on a beautiful spring or fall day, we would lay in the floor underneath an open window and just lie there and feel the breeze blow over us. I don't really recall much of what was said or even if a word was uttered by either one of us. But just to lay there and feel the warmth of the breeze blow across us. Last night as we slept in our grandaughters bed, I could hear the wind blow outside her bedroom window....almost as if it were beckoning for me to open the window and allow it in. I opened the window and I just lay down on the floor beneath the window, the breeze was so warm, so refreshing, so mesmerizing....the long curtain would barely brush past my face with each gust of breeze that came. As I lay there...my thoughts we're of how much the breeze is like the holy spirit. You can't see it, you can't touch it.....but its presence cannot be denied. After feeling its warmth who can deny it's presence, who would not long to feel it again and again. I think of when John the baptist baptized Jesus in Luke 3:22 "and as he was praying, heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove." I can only imagine the breeze from heaven as the heavens open and the Holy Spirit descends on Jesus. Those moments with my mom on the floor....are something I will never forget. Those moments lying on the floor feeling the Holy Spirit move.....are moments no one can forget.

A time for connecting...

2008-12-27T16:05:00.000-08:00

Has there ever been that special place in your life...where the distractions of this world seem to dissolve into the floorboards. This place for me just happens to be in North Carolina. Our dear friends own a farm that has long since been occupied. On this farm is a professional horse stable, that once held most likely over 30 some horses at one time. But its the hay barn that has always captured my heart. There is something so quiet, so peaceful about the faintest smell of hay, and the old fashioned wide plank floors, with the hint of sunlight beaming through each crack in the walls. The silentness makes God's voice beam through nearly as bright as the sunlight. I could spend hours just soaking in everything around me. So my anticipation for tomorrow is like a kid the night before Christmas. Equipped with my bibles and ready to just sit (kneel) in his presence, and in the quietness hear only his voice...is such an exciting time for me. Lord I want to hear your voice, I want you to still the world around me, block out all that is not you. Allow me to hear only you. Speak to your willing servant. Not that I am able, but because you are. I long to hear your voice, may your will prosper in my hands, not for my gain....but for your glory.

What is life that he is mindful of it.....

2008-12-26T21:55:00.001-08:00

What is life.....that he is mindful of it? Life is but a glimmer....its fading the moment it begins. As new as the poppy is in the spring....it too has a season. We too, have such a season, such a time, such a moment. I never really thought of myself as a people watcher. But the older I get the more I find myself observing and pondering what we do or don't do that makes all the difference. I hear the interaction across an isle at the supermarket of a hurried mother and a curious child, I wish she...as I could have been...a little bird above looking down at the moment. What we miss...what I missed. I want to say to the mother.....do you know what you have just missed in that moment? What curiosity you have stolen from your child. Why can we not see from their perspective. Even Jesus had to remind the people that "unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." I sat across the table from my 5 year old grandaughter tonight as she talked about "all the people being beautiful" and her daddy said "I wish we all could be beautiful," she turns to him with all the seriousness a five year can muster and said so sincerely "daddy, you are beautiful." Where have we failed, with the eyes of a child. Why do we see the world and see bitterness, anger and rage.....but they see beautiful. Have we became to busy to notice. I know that the word says "train up a child in the way it should go" but wonder sometimes if they aren't training us...more than we train them sometimes. This next year, I vow to have the "heart of a child"...may I see the people and call them "beautiful".

The B....attitudes

2008-12-25T15:32:00.001-08:00

Ok, ok....yeah I know it is really the Beatitudes. But if I were graded today I probably would only get a B on my attitudes. Why was I thinking of this? Well I guess because I was thinking this holiday season of the poor, those who are mourning, those that are hungry and those that are thirsty. Which somehow led me to the Beatitudes. It was out of this time that he taught his disciples on the B-attitudes. Ok....beatitudes.

Matt 5:3

Blessed are the poor in spirit-poor in spirit...not as we see poor, but not seeing ourselves to highly-for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

Blessed are the meek-mild in nature, submissive to his will-for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness-always seeking more of him-for they will be filled

Blessed are the merciful-those that show mercy-for they will be shown mercy (thats where I definately get a B)

Blessed are the pure in heart-continually seeking a heart like his-for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God

Blessed are those that are persecuted because of righteousness-if you're not feeling persecution-ask yourself am I doing all I can be doing for God right now in my life-nearly everyone that stepped out of their comfort zone to follow God endured persecution of some sort-for theirs is the kingdom of heaven Wow, when I look at the list that Christ gave the disciples I see that I'm not sure if I even earned the B. Maybe that will be my New Years Resolution this year. Perhaps 2009 I will begin to work on my grades....after all I have the best teacher....money can't buy.

To Us a Child is Born....

2008-12-24T22:12:00.000-08:00

It' midnight as I write tonight. My thoughts are on this little hand, grabbing hold of his father's hand.....I am in awe of the sacrifice. For what we see is what we know of the miracles Jesus performed during his time here. We see a strong man, a man worthy enough to be called king, a man without blemish or stain. But yet he came as a little baby.....and behold she brought forth a son....and his name...his name will be called Emmanuel, God with us.

Isaiah prophesied of the coming king in Isaiah 9 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the goverment will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." And just as it was written by the prophets, God sent His one and only son to be a sacrifice for our sin. As I studied this picture I can only imagine that after the birth of Jesus that the very hand of God reached out to touch his son, to hold the very one that he would soon sacrifice. I still see that hand reaching out, but this time it's Jesus' hand, and today he is reaching out to hold ours just as his father did for him. This Christmas I am so thankful for the hand of God in my life. No gift could ever compare....to give my only child, my only son.....who but God could give such a gift.

Beyond Christmas....

2008-12-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

I truly love Christmas. The celebration of the Christ child given to take away our sins..... But I wonder where His thoughts are tonight. We anticipate the season with so much enthusiasm so much expectation. But He's been there done that. It was a no brainer for Him. He came with purpose and left with anticipation of better things yet to come.

I don't know what I look forward to more...the celebration of his first coming or the anticipation of his second coming. . Something we so often forget about. We celebrate his life but often forget that his life is not over.....it is being lived daily in the hearts of the legacy that he has left behind. My thoughts are filled with such anticipation and excitement today. Revelation 22:7 says "Behold, I am coming soon!" Can I say....that to me that makes me want to run to the highest mountain and fall to my knees in waiting for his return But I believe we have been called as Christ followers to such as time as this. Ezekiel 40:4 says Son'of man look with your eyes pay attention to everything I am going to show you for that has been why you have been brough her. God has clearly called us to a time such as this.

We celebrate the birth and then we celebrate the resurrection of Christ at easter. But where is the focus the rest of the year. The bible says we will not know the day or hour of his return, but only the signs of the times. "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom.There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven." Luke 21:10-11. As Christ followers will we allow this special event of a child given to take away our sins be wasted by not sharing the good news of him coming again ...one last time to take us to a place of golden streets, gates made of pearls, crystal clear water and jewels that we could not fathom with our limited perspective. So this Christmas lets see beyond Christmas and see what he really came for......to provide us hope for a future grander than any of our plans.

Living Water all week long...

2008-12-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

I thought about this today. Is it possible to drink a glass of water and go the rest of the week with not one more drop. Our bodies would soon become dehydrated, we would soon lose energy, soon we would be unable to focus on even the mundane task. Water....is essential....without it our bodies cannot function. Without it every system begins to shut down. But yet so many Christ followers do just that. We attend church on Sunday morning....take a drink of the water that is offered and then begin to plow through our weeks, expecting to be refreshed and ready to tackle the world.

Christ said in John 7:37 "If anyone is thristy, let him come to me and drink." "Come to Me." What is it that we turn to the moment we walk out of the church building on a sunday morning? Are we "in the world" or are we "of the world." When we thrist during the week, where do we turn? God gave us thrist? Because without thirst we would not seek water. But he has told us that if we drink of the "water" that "He" gives us... we will never thirst again. In Jeremiah 2:13 the Lord says " my people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

Have you ever been through one of those weeks where you knew something was missing, something just wasn't right? You tried to fill the days with what you thought you needed to accomplish but there still seemed to be something missing. Many Christ followers today, do just that. They attend church on sunday and travel the rest of the week on that one glass of water. Never to tap into the well again. They do this week after week after week. Then they wonder why he fails them. Who's the one failing. He gives freely of his water, we just need to go to the tap to get a drink.

Where will you go when you get thirsty this week?

What happened to fear & trembling

2008-12-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

We never turn the news on right after church. Why today? We got home happened to turn on the news and CNN was still going on about Rick Warren and the US people's aversion to him being involved in the inauguration. As I stood there and listened to them, I couldn't help but wonder, if the heavens parted today....and Christ was coming on his cloud, and the trumpets were sounding. What would they be saying. Would they still be protesting their gay rights, would they still be fighting for abortion, would they still be demanding their ways? Where has our focus gone? Where has our fear and trembling gone?

I did a study about a year ago, through the proverbs. As I began the study my thoughts really were, how can I fear somebody I love so much. Proverbs 1:7 "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (understanding). Proverbs 1:28 tells us to seek the Lord or He will turn from us "they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me, since they did not choose to fear me." What truly is fear? How does one describe it? I didn't quite get the fear thing. Why would God want us to fear him? I think of wilderness experiences. Are they really all bad, or is that sometimes part of God's plan to help us see who we really are? Even Jesus had to go to the wilderness to see who he really was. It's in those wilderness experiences that I found out how weak I was and how strong He is. I once asked Bill why he thought that we tried to protect our children from the valleys in life? Looking back now, would I have traded those valley experiences? Those are the moments that I surrendered it all and became more of what God wanted of me. I laid aside my plans and had no choice but to look up and see His plan. When you're at the base of the mountain do you just start climbing or do you study the terrain, searching, looking up focusing on the way to the other side. Or do you blindly start climbing? It finally dawned on me as I studied on in Proverbs that "fear" is really reverence or worship to God. Suggesting that when we properly acknowledge who He is and give him the reverence that he deserves....than we can understand "fear and trembling." I live today knowing that I don't fear God as we know fear, but I fear Him in reverence....and I tremble at his ultimate power in my life. Isn't it time for those of us that proclaim to be Christ followers to "fear and tremble" at his presence in our lives?

Two Roads Diverge in the Woods...

2008-12-20T19:27:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the old Robert Frost poem? Two roads diverge in the woods and I-I took the one less traveled by...and it has made all the difference. I loved that poem from the first moment I heard it. How often we come to the paths in our lives where we stop and look down both paths. Though the one path is well worn and seems to be well traveled our hearts tell us to take the one less traveled by....because in taking it, it will make all the difference. I think of life prior to being a Christ follower, though the path was familiar, it brought no peace, it brought no comfort. Since taking the path less traveled by, I now walk in peace and joy. Not peace and joy as the world knows it, but a peace and joy that surpass understanding. Why do I tell you these things? Because for the past year in my quiet times I keep stumbling across "Pay attention, listen carefully" and "do not turn to the right or left," and "that is why you have been brought here." I feel as though I've been standing at this road that diverges, and want so badly to take the right path, to be obedient, to pay attention. But also a bit fearful of what I'm going to be asked to do when I start down that path. Am I equipped, did I pack the right supplies for the journey, OR, am I trying to pack to much for the journey? Am I the 0nly one that wonders what Abram did in Genesis 12:1 when God says "go to the land I will show you." Not that I have shown you, but that I WILL show you. What did Abram do? Did he step out of his townhouse and just stand there? I mean how did he know whether he was going to the left or to the right? Did he wonder if he was headed in the right direction? Was there billboards along the way, saying...this way Abram. Could use one of those billboards right now. The two roads diverge in the woods....and I'm standing at them......listening, paying attention and knowing I have been brought here for such a time as this...

the Simplicity of Life...

2008-12-19T17:59:00.000-08:00

As I sat here tonight, my thoughts were of the simplicity of life, but yet how simple it isn't. As my heart and mind search scripture references to back up life being simple..I draw a blank. I look to the scripture for my source of strength, to give me a map through this life, to offer me hope of a better life yet to come. But yet as I look through scripture....I see David who's Psalms mostly cried out to God to hear his distress and help him through his rough times.....I see Job as he loses everything cry out to God in his painful affliction Job 19:2 "How long will you torment me". Paul....tortured. Daniel....for pete's sake.... wasn't being thrown in the fire enough, NO, he then was thrown into a den of lions. Do you know that "do not be afraid" is mentioned over 325 times in scripture, that is a "do not be afraid" for every day of the year. Where are we without the hope of scripture? We fail to look at scripture and look at our lives and see the same thing. Church as we knew it from our childhood has taught us that "to struggle" is to sin. Show me anywhere in scripture where a true Christ follower walked without fear, walked without feelings of defeat. True Christ following is not easy, has never been easy. We often want to paint Christianity as some glamorous picture. Christ following is often times a bloody battle, not fought easily without full armor. We often show a video at church of regular people like you and I holding a sword, not a small sword but an excaliber sword. And over and over again you hear them say "I will not be defeated, I will not be defeated, I will not be defeated." Ever, had one of those days when it would be easier to be OF the world than IN the world. Without scripture, without the hope of more glorious days...wouldn't it be easy to step away? I am reminded of being at Church camp as a camp counselor and Dave Atherton was preaching. YEAH Dave. Miss him so. He was preaching out of Romans 12. As he was preaching I found myself writing in the back of one of my bible's Romans 12:1 (my personalized version) Therefore, in view of your mercy, I offer myself as a living sacrifice, may it be holy and pleasing to you-may this be my spiritual act of worship. May I NO longer conform to the patterns of this world, but may I be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Then and only then will I be able to test and approve what your will for me is-your good, pleasing and perfect will. He never promised me this walk would be easy-he only promised that I wouldn't walk it alone.

After the suffering...

2008-12-17T17:26:00.000-08:00

After the suffering of our soul, we will see the light of life and be satisfied. That is taken out of Isaiah. Two of my favorite chapters in the bible are Isaiah & 1st Peter. Ironically, Isaiah 53 was prophesy of 1st Peter, no wonder I like them both so much. 1st Peter in my bible looks more like a road map... underlines, circles, boxes, black ink, red ink and writing anywhere I could fit it... about what God was speaking to me as I read it. Isaiah 53 spoke of God's plan to send Jesus to suffer for us, Isaiah 53:10 "Yet is was the Lord's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. AFTER, the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life, and be satisfied, by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many and he will bear their iniquities." Throughout 1st Peter, Peter speaks of suffering, being made righteous because of his righteousness, that we are his elect (his chosen ones), a chosen and precious cornerstone. Do you know what a cornerstone does. Do you know the weight of responsibility of the cornerstone? God has given us a cornerstone, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame (1st Peter 2:6). The cornerstone is the whole house, without it... the house is inadequate and will fall. Attempt to build a foundation without it...and it will surely fail.

How's my foundation? Where is my strength from? When I face the suffering of my soul, will I look to the light of life to be satisified. I have to admit I fail on many occasions....as I'm working through the battles I feel much like the disciples in the boat as the storm was raging...they were frantic..while Jesus remained calm and in control of the whole situation. Why do we struggle so much with submission? I was listening to a sermon online today and he asked "why is it that we have such a hard time getting on our knees before God?" Are we afraid the world is going to kick us while we are down. Have we been so tainted by this world that we can't even let our guard down long enough to get low before God? Do you know that everytime an angel appeared to someone in the Old Testament that they couldn't help but get low, they fell...to their knees. Many fell flat on their faces. We miss God so many times. Shouldn't we have been flat on our faces along time ago. He has blessed us so. And for me, I will not be able to stand in His presence.

Dreams

2008-12-16T17:44:00.001-08:00

God speaks many times to me in dreams. No, I don't get a house rattling voice. But the dreams that I get from God are so different than your run of the mill dream. There is a presence about them, there is a closeness that you don't feel in other dreams. I think he does that because we are so busy during the day and really don't take time to listen to the still small voice througout the day. On this one occasion I dreamt of a winged creature flying to me and touching my lip with a hot coal. I remember waking up and immediately feeling my lip thinking it should be burnt or hurt, but there was no pain. I remember hearing of this in scripture and set out to find it. I eventually found it in Isaiah 6:6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for." Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying. "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said "Here am I. Send Me!" That was at a time when I had been praying that God would use me, even though I knew I was in no way, shape or form worthy of use. But I soon realized its not about BEING worthy, its about being available, its about submitting to His will, His plan, His authority and the authority of the Church that He has put over me. From that day I realized "my sins have been atoned for, my guilt has been taken away" the gift is free, but costs us our very life. Being submitted to His plan doesn't come easy, we always seem to want to take the realm of the wheel again and try to guide the boat ourselves. I daily remind myself that its not about my plan, but its all about His. As Tim was preaching Sunday he taught out of Luke 9 he read vs 1 & 2. But for some reason both Bill and I read on into 3, as I read...."take nothing for the journey" jumped off the page at me, although I said nothing, Bill said outloud to me "take nothing with you." I found it ironic that we both heard the same thing. "Take nothing with you," we worry so much about food, money, material possesions...its all a part of us....but here Jesus reminds the disciples that there is no need...you won't need those things. Take nothing with you...everything you need will be given to you when you get there...if...and when you say "Here am I, Send Me." Worthiness isn't about our ability its about His ability...and our availability.

Neti-pot humor

2008-12-15T18:14:00.000-08:00

A little neti-pot humor for tonight. No, I'm not doing any illegal stuff. My doctor recommended I try using a neti-pot to clean out the sinuses. So today after having a headache for which seemed like days I got one. Working up enough gumption to actually squirt warm water up into my nose and flush out the sinuses and let it pour out the other nostril takes alot of pre-thought process. Everything went fine, thanks for asking. I was actually surprised, it actually felt pretty good. BUT, then.....I make it a point to spend some time daily on my knees praising God and spending a few minutes in Un-distracted prayer. WELL, it was far from un-distracted. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with God when water is pouring out your nose all over the place. I just started laughing....hope God understands today...

On to a more serious note. I was pondering Tim's sermon from sunday. Yes, I really do listen and ponder!! I was thinking about him saying that we are deputized & authorized. That true Christ following is based on delegated authority. My thoughts today went to Ephesians 6:10 when Paul says "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power, put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." I remember so well the day Tim pulled back his arm in another message, with that arrow and shot it at the target (us). Today has been one of those days. God has gained such a victory in full use of our new building, but the enemy seeks to steal that victory by destroying the witness of our testimony. I believe that some things are spiritual warfare and some things are just pure coincidence. But the events of the past few days make me wonder coincidence or spiritual warfare. Many times after such a victory satan attempts to sneak in the back door and beat us down from behind. Just like a little mouse rounds your house until it finds one small hole to enter and cause caos. We lost 3 furnaces at our business today. Not one, not two, but THREE. Coincidence or spiritual warfare. Just as Bill was taking a sigh of relief from litigations, long nights with property development meetings, satan attempted to sneak in the back door. But what he didn't know was that we are equipped with the "full armor of God," and we are "deputized & authorized." Today he stands defeated one more time. I will continue to praise Him even in the storms.

Life as a Feather

2008-12-14T16:56:00.001-08:00

Why do somedays feel more like a storm than a gentle breeze. I can't seem to begin to understand the pain of living, loving and loss. But I know as a Christ follower I have peace and comfort even in the storm. As I drove away from the church today, a small piece of cotton strand was floating around me, it swayed up, down and swirled around. It made me think of life. Life is much like that strand, its full of ups, downs and at times we feel swept away by its current. I am reminded of Paul's journey, his ability to persevere even in the worst of times. 2 Corinthians 6:4 "as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses. He continues on in vs 9 saying "we are known yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing, poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. My heart aches for my dear friends (no, my dear families) loss. Elaine Lee our dedicated church financial secretary shared her last moment with her endearing husband Roy. Roy this morning went home to stand face to face with the God that we can only imagine. Today Roy knows no fear, no trouble, no hardships, no distress. Today Roy is rejoicing, he has nothing but possesses everything and he has made our lives rich in his memories. Today we begin a new chapter in Elaine's life as family. Together we will endure, we will know troubles, we will know hardships, but we will not go alone. We will go as a family, hand in hand, tear for tear, working towards our prize. 2 Timothy 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race.

The Impact of a Song

2008-12-13T18:58:00.000-08:00

Do you know I hear this song all the time, but today the impact of its words I cannot get out of my mind. In Luke, God sends an angel to a simple woman, not a woman of many accomplishments, but a woman humbled and ready to serve a call from God himself. Luke 1:28 The angel went to her and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you." then vs 30 says she found favor with God. But its vs 40 which has always spoke to my heart. "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." The song you have heard over and over, but do you really hear the words.

"Do you wonder as you watch my face,
if a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong. Help me be. Help me.
Breath of heaven, hold me together.
Lighten my darkness, pour over me your holiness.
Breath of Heaven.

I often wonder .....why? Why do you not choose a wiser one to take my place. I am so weak, I am so not worthy of your calling Lord. But yet you call. And I offer all that I am....

Jeremiah 33:3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Deep thoughts tonight

2008-12-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

Some very deep thoughts tonight. Was blessed to be able to work today. But with work comes some very deep life issues. As I was face to face with a woman that should not be facing death at such a young age, through her tears she asks "Do you think God hears my prayers?," I tell her "He hears them all." She then proceeds to ask me "Do you think he's tired of hearing me ask for healing." NO! God never tires of hearing anything his children have to say to him. Why do we think of God as someone that we cannot be angry with, someone that we cannot cry to, someone that we cannot yell at. God has called us into fellowship with him, he longs for a deep relationship with us. Relationships face good times, bad times, and all the ups and downs, we get angry with one another, but out of love we return to the one that we love with a deeper closeness. I am deciding today which is more important living or dying. What is the guarantee of a tomorrow and what have I done with today? And though I live my life, it will be the dying day that will determine my true future. Will you stand before him and hear "Good and faithful servant" or will you hear "away from me, I never knew you." May your today truly make a difference....

2008-12-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Zechariah 4:1 Then the angel who talked with me returned and wakened me, as a man is wakened from his sleep. He asked me, "What do you see?" vs 6 This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: NOT by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.' says the Lord Almighty. What are you, O mighty mountain? Before Zerubbabel you will become level ground. Then he will bring out the capstone to shouts of "God Bless it! God Bless it!" Then the word of the Lord came to me: The hands of Zerubbabel have laid the foundation of this temple; his hands will also complete it. Then you will know that the Lord Almighty has sent me to you. Funny how God has to wake us up sometimes to see what he is showing us. Have we been sleeping? I think maybe in our flesh feeling discouraged, frustrated and wandering if all this would ever end. But today God has gained victory and after a 3 year battle for the ability to worship in our new building. God is victorious. He is laying the final capstone. Capstones were the final piece of the building of the temple. And God said the hands that started it would complete it. And shouts will be heard, "God Bless It, God Bless it." It has been a very rough journey as a church family. But I can't imagine having walked it with anyone else. Our church is a church of perseverance, and God is now blessing that perseverance and expecting great things from his people.

Lots of thoughts today. Scriptures running through my head. Women's conference things to be done yet. Family needs to be met. My thoughts are very much focused on Christmas. I am baffled every year. I cannot honestly imagine going through the labor and pain of childbirth, raising and loving my beautiful child, only to give him up for a bunch of unworthy, ungrateful and sinful generation. Could you hand your dear one over? It may be Christmas, but my heart is still full of Thanksgiving.

Wow what a day

2008-12-10T21:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been a busy day. Worked on our Womens Conference this morning. Our theme this year is Amazing Grace....the legacy. We will be talking about Grace and the legacy that we leave to those that follow us. Ran by the church to pick up some registration forms. Noon meeting with 3 fabulous gals from church that are working on the conference with me. It is amazing how God uses us all so differently. We discussed dramas for the conference. Came back home worked on conference some more, twitted some friends, then downloaded scribus to begin working on the program. Supper of hamburgers and homemade fries, then sent Bill off to his transition team meeting for the church, as we transition from the misconceptual church to a church that Jesus would want to attend. I love my husband so much. It is such a secure feeling to have a husband that is so rooted in his faith. Sent Morgan off to youth group. Caught a quick hot bath, then tried to do the tutorial on scribus. Am learning that I am not as young and as quick to learn as I used to be. I found myself pausing and rewinding to try and get it. We are preparing for the Konneker Christmas this weekend. David, Heidi, Jadyn & Matthan arrive in town on Friday. YEAH!! Matthan changes so much every time we see him. It is now 11:30 and should be sleeping.